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“It’s the strangest sensation. You measure just eight weeks yet here I Am contracting and birthing. I wish I could hold you. My angel.” A small note from when I was in labour.

I always thought that a miscarriage was simply a bad period. Well not simply, but that it would feel and act like a bad period. I thought that I would have a bad bleed with cramping. But last night I discovered that some women actually labour and give birth.

At about four pm, I was having waves of cramping. I couldn’t sit comfortably on the sofa and I felt the need to hide away. I retreated to my bedroom where I sat on my bed and gave into the sensation.

I felt like I was in labour, like I was actually giving birth and I wasn’t sure if it was normal. So I asked google and a lovely mums group on Facebook. Both confirmed that sometimes, a woman has to labour and birth her baby. It seemed I was going to have to do the same.

By five-thirty I was an emotional mess and I contacted the doula we had hired. I was also speaking to a friend on Facebook. They both offered me reassurance before I asked my doula (L) to come join me.

I continued along whilst I waited. I stripped to just a top and put towels and sheets on my bed for protection. I eventually found some classical music and that helped me get into my own zone and give in to my body. Though I did keep asking hubby to turn the TV down and/or close the bedroom door. Both of which violated my space.

L arrived and made me some tea. It tasted lovely. She thanked me for inviting her, told me not to appologise for the mess then asked what I would like her to do, i simply asked her to just sit with me and be present. We sat in silence in my room. I breathed through contractions. Repeating in my head “this is ok, this is good, I am at peace”.

I was on and off the toilet. Or on my knees on the bed. I felt safe. I felt secure. I felt respected. And I felt empowered. I had so much wanted my peaceful home birth. And although the ending wasn’t as desired, that is what I was getting. It felt good to know those around me trusted me and respected me enough to do what I needed to do.

I asked hubby to come in, meaning the door needed to be open as our daughter was asleep in the living room. I lent against him and hugged him as things got more intense and I knew it wouldn’t be long until I wanted to push. I somehow knew things were coming to an end and I needed his reassuring touch. He didn’t stay long, going out to our daughter who stirred.

I retreated to the birthing stool. Contractions were more intense but I could manage with small moans and breathing. I fought a couple before giving myself a talking to. I needed to let go. I needed to stop fighting and let my body do its thing.

My next contractions came and I told myself its ok now. Then I felt my waters go and heard a small plop. I suddenly felt very peaceful, like a wave of calmness had come through me, like someone said “it’s ok now”. L came to my side (she had been knitting in the corner) and she placed a hand on my shoulder as I said ” I think that’s as much of bub as I’m going to get”. I realised baby had broken down within me and I was ok with that.

I felt a need to go to the loo, again, so off I went. I popped a pad on and started to gather myself more and pottered around. Then the bleeding started. It was a horrible feeling. Big clots were coming out and I was stuck on the toilet for a while. I got up, pad on (or a nappy!) a few times and washed my hands but I was half way through before I would retreat back to the toilet to bleed. It slowed down after a while and I was able to put a nappy in my underwear and make it to the sofa.

L made me some tea ( lovely again) and I sat on the sofa chatting to her and my hubby. We checked my blood pressure and all was ok. But I felt a rush of blood again and ran off to the toilet. I had managed to flood the nappy in the time it took to get from the sofa to the toilet (maybe ten steps).

I started to feel sick on the toilet so I took some mothers wart as a precaution. Then decided I needed to shower. As I tried to fiddle with the water I went light headed and dizzy. I lost my hearing and my sight went for a moment. I told my doula “I might faint, I can’t hear, help”.

I went and laid down in the bed and played some music to help the ringing in my ears. L sat down beside me as I closed my eyes and relaxed. Slowly it all returned to normal and I was able to sit up and drink some more tea again.

L and I sat and talked. I expressed how empowered I felt. Which seems strange even to me. I handed myself over to my body and I trusted it. I let it contract when it needed to, I let it rest when I needed to. I was so calm at times I was almost falling asleep. I let my body push rather than making it push. The people around me respected my wishes and let me be. L sat in a corner and respected my need for space and peace, de bussy playing in the background.

Back to the shower and a quick rinse off before another ten minutes on the toilet with clots. I felt much better now. I dressed and went back to the living room.

I am extremely sad we lost Oliver (I thought I had a boy on the way and Oliver was the name we had picked). I would love to have met him, held him, nursed him and see him grow. But Oliver obviously has other things he needs to take care of. Wherever that may be. I believe we come back and I hope he comes back into a loving home and has a blessed life.

I feel blessed we had him as long as we did. I am blessed I fell pregnant. I am blessed I got to make plans for a little life. I am blessed he chose me for this life span.

And I feel strong. Womanly.

It is strange because I am happy and sad all at the same time. The peaceful entrance, the respectful entrance then the sadness of loss, the sadness of knowing the whole time there was no lovely baby coming to greet us.

A real mixed bag if emotions. But I’m not sat here crying. I don’t want to curl up in a ball. I don’t want to mope around. I feel good and at peace with the experience. I feel strong, yet heartbroken. I feel sad yet happy. I feel loss yet I feel as though I achieved something. But most of all I feel peace.

I am at peace.

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Posted by 5teffielou, 3rd September 2013