Five naughty things I do while you're asleep

Every parent does things they never thought they would do BC (before children).

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I’ve heard many stories from mums of toddlers who Facebook on the toilet, live on cut off sandwich crusts, and ignore up to two extra inches of regrowth. But for me, that’s just scratching the surface.

There are certain things I can only do while my daughter is sleeping – and I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning or ‘cuddling’.

I’m talking about the weird and shameful stuff I’m driven to do out of desperation and fatigue.

So to my two year old, here is a list of things I should probably apologise for:

I brush your hair while you sleep. I know this sounds a bit ‘Silence Of the Lambs’, but apparently during the day each strand of your hair develops ultra sensitive nerve endings that cause you to feel pain at the mere sight of a hairbrush. So trust me when I say this is the only way you’ll leave the house without looking like Beaker from the Muppets.
I eat your reward chocolate. Heartless I know. But isn’t the reward system kind of backwards anyway? After all, I’m the one developing knee calluses on the toilet floor while singing bladder relaxation songs and trying to maintain a genuine excitement about poo. I want chocolate too damn it.
I hide your favourite book. While you might enjoy reading the same story about a food addicted caterpillar fifteen times in one day, I don’t. (Especially when said caterpillar is ruining perfectly good food by getting his germy bug saliva all over it). So once I know every word off by heart it’s time for that book to quietly disappear. Don’t worry, you’ll have a new favourite tomorrow and odds are I’ll like that choice even less.
I drink whiskey. None of this ‘one glass of wine’ crap. Nope, gimme the hard stuff. The “I have to find a way to survive another day of this” stuff. The stuff that can help Mummy forget about the Mt Fuji of laundry and vegemite smear on her forehead that has probably been there all day. (No wonder the lady at the checkout was eye balling me strangely).
I watch kids TV. OK this isn’t initially by choice. But it’s amazing how often I find myself immersed in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine before I realise I’m the only one watching. And even when I realise, I still don’t change the channel. You might be able to sleep without knowing whether Thomas makes it to the Fat Controller in time, but that shit will haunt me. Plus it’s the perfect opportunity to scoff down some more of your chocolate.

C’mon parents – share some of your dirty little secrets so I don’t feel like I’m the only crazy Mum out here! Anyone? Anyone?

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31 Comments

- - meedee said
  - 05 Dec 2021
    11:05 am
My most favorite thing was to sit and read. Sometimes I would just sit and enjoy the quiet.

- - Ellen said
  - 07 Oct 2018
    6:46 pm
Yes I watch kids tv, but not the other things

- - Kate Sander said
  - 10 Mar 2016
    10:12 pm
I do my magazine puzzles and read a few pages of my fav magazines and fold washing.

- - coastalkaryn said
  - 12 Feb 2016
    8:09 pm
haha – I do some of these little guys too!!

- - fairy said
  - 22 Jan 2016
    10:18 pm
I have my own stash of chocolate for when kids are in bed!! Love a good cheese platter I don’t have to share. I cuddle up with my dog and get quiet cuddles love it when the kids are sleeping

- - aprilb1 said
  - 13 Jan 2016
    11:40 am
Lol so funny, it gives me a moment to actually think before it’s bed time and the next day begins

- - Lizbef said
  - 07 Jan 2016
    10:27 am
Nope there is no desert in the house….. Until the children are in bed!

- - Mummytoabeautifulprincess said
  - 05 Jan 2016
    6:43 pm
I do these things too, except for the reward chocolate and whiskey. Some days you just gotta do what you gotta do to get through haha

- - BellaB said
  - 21 Dec 2015
    12:52 pm
Numbers one to three are horribly familiar to me!

- - rachelvk said
  - 20 Dec 2015
    10:09 pm
This is hilarious! Can totally relate to some of these!

- - mom94125 said
  - 19 Dec 2015
    4:53 pm
lol i get the one about the tv. lol sometimes they go to change the channel and i tell them off! lol only jokes!

- - mom134803 said
  - 17 Dec 2015
    3:05 am
Lol, I don’t have these urges but reading them brings a smile on my face.
- mom81333 replied
  
  01 Jan 2016 , 10:22 pm
  Same here. It’s good to have a laugh.
- - mom101628 said
  - 16 Dec 2015
    10:09 pm
A very funny post – thanks for letting us know. I was never imaginative enough to do those things.

- - rovermum said
  - 16 Dec 2015
    2:22 pm
Social media, junk food, and TV catchup!

- - ella12 said
  - 16 Dec 2015
    9:41 am
I rest and relax – and have a piece (or two) or chocolate.

- - caland10 said
  - 16 Dec 2015
    12:34 am
How hilarious!! Thanks a lot for sharing

- - AliGirl said
  - 15 Dec 2015
    8:42 pm
I can finally look through my Facebook newsfeed without being asked to ‘see this, mummy’, ‘like that photo, mummy’….

- - youngoldlady said
  - 14 Dec 2015
    5:01 am
In over 33 years of looking after children aging from toddlers to adults, I have succumb to some things I need or must do.
1.Like those clothes/shoes too small for you disappear before you can ask again to wear them again.
2. your toys get cleaned, have you ever wonder how teddy gets clean without a bath.
3.get to play some of my music on my keyboard, yes I like playing your music but really need to play other music beside what dinosaur are up to or looking like.
4.Just having me time without daddy or your older siblings around.
5. Wonder what life will be like when my toddlers are as old as their older brothers
6. What my teen daughter will get up to next, wondering will her little sister be like her.
Who am I kidding I will be nearly 70 by the time my toddlers are ready to leave home, just thinking I was a fresh faced 21 year old when this started and I need to grab anytime I can for myself.

- - Kasey said
  - 13 Dec 2015
    9:48 pm
Funny thing I don’t do any of these I’d rather have ‘me’ time….quietness is bliss!
- mom93821 replied
  
  14 Dec 2015 , 6:07 am
  I like the quietness time too!
- - mom74640 said
  - 13 Dec 2015
    5:45 pm
Lie hf