Every parent does things they never thought they would do BC (before children).


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I’ve heard many stories from mums of toddlers who Facebook on the toilet, live on cut off sandwich crusts, and ignore up to two extra inches of regrowth. But for me, that’s just scratching the surface.

There are certain things I can only do while my daughter is sleeping – and I’m not talking about cooking, cleaning or ‘cuddling’.

I’m talking about the weird and shameful stuff I’m driven to do out of desperation and fatigue.

So to my two year old, here is a list of things I should probably apologise for:

  1. I brush your hair while you sleep. I know this sounds a bit ‘Silence Of the Lambs’, but apparently during the day each strand of your hair develops ultra sensitive nerve endings that cause you to feel pain at the mere sight of a hairbrush. So trust me when I say this is the only way you’ll leave the house without looking like Beaker from the Muppets.
  2. I eat your reward chocolate. Heartless I know. But isn’t the reward system kind of backwards anyway? After all, I’m the one developing knee calluses on the toilet floor while singing bladder relaxation songs and trying to maintain a genuine excitement about poo. I want chocolate too damn it.
  3. I hide your favourite book. While you might enjoy reading the same story about a food addicted caterpillar fifteen times in one day, I don’t. (Especially when said caterpillar is ruining perfectly good food by getting his germy bug saliva all over it). So once I know every word off by heart it’s time for that book to quietly disappear. Don’t worry, you’ll have a new favourite tomorrow and odds are I’ll like that choice even less.
  4. I drink whiskey. None of this ‘one glass of wine’ crap. Nope, gimme the hard stuff. The “I have to find a way to survive another day of this” stuff. The stuff that can help Mummy forget about the Mt Fuji of laundry and vegemite smear on her forehead that has probably been there all day. (No wonder the lady at the checkout was eye balling me strangely).
  5. I watch kids TV. OK this isn’t initially by choice. But it’s amazing how often I find myself immersed in an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine before I realise I’m the only one watching. And even when I realise, I still don’t change the channel. You might be able to sleep without knowing whether Thomas makes it to the Fat Controller in time, but that shit will haunt me. Plus it’s the perfect opportunity to scoff down some more of your chocolate.

C’mon parents – share some of your dirty little secrets so I don’t feel like I’m the only crazy Mum out here! Anyone? Anyone?

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  • My most favorite thing was to sit and read. Sometimes I would just sit and enjoy the quiet.


  • Yes I watch kids tv, but not the other things


  • I do my magazine puzzles and read a few pages of my fav magazines and fold washing.


  • haha – I do some of these little guys too!!


  • I have my own stash of chocolate for when kids are in bed!! Love a good cheese platter I don’t have to share. I cuddle up with my dog and get quiet cuddles love it when the kids are sleeping


  • Lol so funny, it gives me a moment to actually think before it’s bed time and the next day begins


  • Nope there is no desert in the house….. Until the children are in bed!


  • I do these things too, except for the reward chocolate and whiskey. Some days you just gotta do what you gotta do to get through haha


  • Numbers one to three are horribly familiar to me!


  • This is hilarious! Can totally relate to some of these!


  • lol i get the one about the tv. lol sometimes they go to change the channel and i tell them off! lol only jokes!


  • Lol, I don’t have these urges but reading them brings a smile on my face.

    • Same here. It’s good to have a laugh.


  • A very funny post – thanks for letting us know. I was never imaginative enough to do those things.


  • Social media, junk food, and TV catchup!


  • I rest and relax – and have a piece (or two) or chocolate.


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