Ok, so its been over a year since I lost claire now and I feel its time to talk about her. Im only writing this story because I feel I need to get some awareness out there for all the mothers and fathers like us who have lost their child.
Ill start with my story… WARNING vivid information.
We started trying for a baby once my first son turned 5. We were trying for 3 months before we found out we were expecting. We were so overjoyed it was a dream come true, we got so ahead of ourselves. We told most of our family and started buying baby clothes and items. We had names picked as we were planning this child. Claire was the girls name I picked and I had a feeling we were having a girl (but we obviously didnt know that for a fact.) Then came the 4th of july, 2014. I was 11 weeks and 6 days pregnant. One day away from being out of the danger zone. My son was at kindy, my hubby was at work and I was relaxing on the lounge watching a movie, still in my pjs. I felt really wet all of the sudden and straight away I thought to myself No No. I had a feel and yep… blood. I went to the toilet to check and the entire bowl had been sprayed red. I was devistated. I got 3 mitres out of the toilet and collapsed in a heap on the floor. I didnt know what to do, or how to react. I was home alone. So I got in ky car and drove to the hospital, I walked into the doctors surgery (dont ask me why I didnt go to emergency, I wasnt really thinking straight), there I was in my pjs with sunnies on and in histerics with tears running down my face. I was lined up behing 3 people and I could feel the qhole waiting foom staring at me. There was 2 teenage girls looking at me and laughing (immguessing because I had cookie monster pjs on) I was devistated, and I let them have it “how dare you laugh u inconsiderate brats, you have no f***ing idea what has happened to me” I screamed. I walked out of the surgery and around the corner to get a moment to myself. As I walked outside my obsetrician walked past he asked what was wrong, all I remember saying was that im bleeding and he rushed me into his consult room. While I was in there bawling my eyes out he had a feel and checked me out. Then he said im very sorry but you are definately loosing your baby, he gave me some tissues and asked me to clean myself up. I remember wiping and looking at the tissue that had a huge sack on it, all I thought was am I holding my unborn child. That made me feel worse. I had no credit on my phone so I asked to borrow their phone to call my husband. I remember them talking to me but I have no idea what they were saying, all I could think about was what had a done wrong, why was this happening, is this my fault? I sat in the reception office and wrang my husband all I could get out without loosing it again was im at wallaroo hospital, its gone. He left work and came down straight away. They checked me into a room on the ward. The ward nurses were amazing. They brought me a pregnancy loss pack that had a teddy in it, I just layed on that bed holding that teddy. My hubby arrived and held me for a while, he made a few phonecalls to organise someone to pick our son up and to let them know what was happening. As he was telling people I could see the tears streaming down his face. I could feel his pain. The doctor came in and said they were prepping me for surgery (a D&C to remove the remains of my baby). I remember the intern coming in and saying “good afternoon mam, how are u today” I couldve belted the crap out of him but all I said was “shit! How am I supposed to be going!” he didnt come back. They took me in and the anesthesiast gave me my needles and asked a few questions but only one that I remember, “what are we doing here today?” “Your taking my baby away” is all I could say before I started bawling again, the male nurse in there was getting teary and stroking my hair trying to calm me down while I fell asleep. I woke in a room with my husband crying and holding my hand. I was discharged that night and sent home with my husband. A week later I was still bleeding lots which was supposed to be removed by the surgery. My doctor said there was still some reminants inside of me so I had to be checked in to hospital and relive the worst day of my life all over again, to say my husband and mother were wild about this was an understatement.
I have written this story to show people that even though I only had my baby for 11 weeks and 6 days, we had prepared ourselves to have this person with us for the rest of our lives. This experience brought my husband and I closer as it showed me how I can rely on him but I would have given anything to still have my baby. Rhere are so many women and men out there like us who miscarry and its just swept under the rug. Even though it happens to so many people its not spoken about nearly enough, its something the parents have to live with for the rest of their lives. People always say the wrong thing a few I heard was, everything happens for a reason but theres no reason a child should ever die, my doctor said its probably best that the baby didnt make it as it wouldnt have been healthy and I just thought I would have taken care of it and loved it just as much sick or not, I always heard its ok you can still have another one, I dont want anotherone I thought I want that one!
I just hope that whoever reads this understands the pain that so many people feel and if you dont know what to say then dont say anything, just sit and hold the ones you love thats comfort enough. Nothing you say will ever make up for the loss but just being there shows us that we have support and love around us.
Please if you have any questions or want to read others stories go to pregnancylossaustralia.com it helped me alot, I ended up with severe depression and there are counsellors available on this website too.
To all the people like me who has lost someone they wanted to be with forever, I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you, you are not alone. Xoxo
Posted by Amelia Phillips, 11th December 2015