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In january of 2010 at the age of 47, i found out the symptoms i was experiencing were not the onset of manopause, but due to another tiny little person about to make her way into our lives.

I was shattered as i already had 7 children, the youngest was 9 years old. Did i really want to begin all over again at my age?? this baby would be 6 months younger than my grandaughter.

My wonderful partner said we can do this together, was easy for him to say being 8 years younger, but we decided we might actually enjoy it.

The pregnancy was a breeze and our daughter arrived on October 7th 2010. A skinny little 6lb 3oz darling little girl

She indeed stole everyones heart. As she grew i couldnt believe what a wonderfully relaxed and happy little girl she was and how much i was enjoying being an ‘older mum’

OK so we only had an old car but fiance being wonderful with an engine, kept it going, we didnt own our own home but its just a building and home is what you make it right?

On the weekend of fathers day 2012, my fiance , marty, went to a friends to put another engine into our car as it was smoking more than a car ever should(with a 30 year old engine we kind of expected this)

I recieved a message from marty saying the car was not co operating so he would come home at lunchtime (4th september)

i decided to have a lazy day and sleep in as all the children were behaving. At about 8am my 9 year old came into the bedroom and said the police were here, i jumped out of bed and had an aweful feeling of dread come over me.

i sat down in the loungeroom and the words that came next were a blur,’we’re sorry…..Martin….passed away’

I felt my stomach churn, i looked at our little girl, just a month off of her second birthday and in my head tried desperately to turn back time, to not hear what id just been told

Marty had had a massive heart attack and died instantly at the age of 40.

40 year olds dont just ‘pass away’ he promised he would always be here!! all these thoughts went through my head, replaying that knock at the door over and over.

We said we would be together forever, it just goes to show that forever isnt always as long as you planned.

Looking back there were signs of heart problems, and i suppose the need to get my story out there is to try to make people aware of symptoms of a heart attack that i never even knew.

aching jaw ? i never knew yet marty had had it

pain between the shoulder blades?? that was just sleeping awkward wasnt it?

Heartburn??? but it wasnt heartburn

i wish id called an ambulance when he said not to make a ‘big deal’ out of it, if its nothing then nothing lost, if its something more? at least the one you love is still around.

It is almost a year now since i lost my darling, our two year old knows daddy is in a special place, she knows only special daddys go there so we cant visit. and as a family we all know we cant change the past but we can make others aware and hopefully make us a little less likely to ignore such small warning signs

Our life together was short but our love will last forever, we never got to walk down the aisle but in my heart we will be together for all eternity

thank you for reading this

sally

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Posted by 8lilfrogs, 8th July 2013