The Day I Divorced My Husband And Saved My Marriage

As a Counsellor and Therapist specialising in working with Mothers I often find myself having deep and meaningful conversations about a client’s most intimate relationships, often we will discuss their marriage and the fact that my client has generally been unhappy for many years.

In fact, many of my female clients have been unhappily married 5 years or more prior to even verbalising the fact to ANYONE!

Their unhappiness has been hidden so well, buried so deeply that they haven’t even discussed it with their closest friends.

What Can You Do To Make A Change?

What, if anything, can you do to make a change if you have become used to being unhappy in your marriage? What do you do if you have become the master of hiding your hurt, of putting up a front for the rest of the world to see?

Do you simply turn around one day and say to everyone “Fooled you! I’ve actually been miserable for years so I am out of here! Surprise!”?

Maybe you do but perhaps there is a middle point, something else to try first and this is an exercise I ask my clients to complete before they decide to divide their family:

Step 1

Go to your favourite secluded spot, somewhere that you won’t be bothered, let everyone know you just need a couple of hours to yourself and that you will be back but you plan to turn off your phone for a couple of hours (Take a pillow and rug so that you can enjoy some comfort if it’s in nature).

Step 2

Sit and relax, breathe deeply and calmly and get back in touch with nature.

Step 3

Take off your wedding ring and place it safely in your pocket.

Step 4

Consider yourself divorced, that’s it! It has been done. You now have no husband to consider, you are free and you can stay here as long as you like. This can sound pretty appetising after being unhappily married for so long. Take a while just to be in this moment.

Step 5

Be divorced.

So many of my clients believe they WANT a divorce but then we talk about what it means to BE divorced, what does it look like exactly?

Well, sometimes it can look like this:

Sometimes it’s your weekend but sometimes it’s not, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes it’s your Christmas but sometimes it’s not, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes you can throw the children a birthday party but sometimes it’s just not going to be your time, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes your ex-husband is going to fall in love with someone else, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes your children are going to fall in love with their new step mother, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes your children are going to dislike their new step mother but will have to spend time with her anyway, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes your ex-husband and his new wife might have a new family, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes your children will cry because they don’t want to go to Dad’s house OR because they do want to go to Dad’s house, do you say “Yes” to that?
Sometimes you will say goodbye to the friends and family that were important to you as a couple, do you say “Yes” to that?
Try it out, see how it fits and feel the feelings that come with your new divorce. Say “Yes” to everything on this list, how does it feel? Is there any part of you that say’s “No”, this isn’t what I want after all! I think we can work on this together, I think I can forgive the little things that drive me crazy, I think I can be happier here.

Step 6

Get re-married or not, you have looked at the future, you have felt some of the feelings that will come with that future, it’s certainly your future to keep if you choose it but maybe, just maybe, you will want to slip those rings back on your finger and give it one more chance.

Can you relate to this? Please SHARE your thoughts in the comments below.

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37 Comments

- - Jmac said
  - 28 Jan 2023
    2:45 pm
This is fantastic advice. Thinking about all the things that will happen after the fact

- - meedee said
  - 05 Dec 2021
    11:02 am
Sometimes you make it clear to people that you are not happy but no one really listens and when you finally decide to make a move everyone is shocked.

- - shanika said
  - 14 Jan 2021
    11:35 am
An interesting article to read.

- - ElAtko said
  - 13 Jan 2021
    9:30 pm
What an interesting read, a great thought pattern to decide for anyone.

- - Ellen said
  - 13 Jan 2021
    9:15 am
No I can’t really relate to this, but good tips for those who consider to divorce / are unhappy in their marriage.

- - mom461384 said
  - 13 Jan 2021
    12:16 am
Interesting read!

- - Lovesthecuddles said
  - 12 Jan 2021
    2:18 pm
I think you really need to work out the underlying reason you are unhappy and if that can be fixed before anything else. As sometimes it can’t be fixed and the other questions aren’t a choice.

- - Mumofboys said
  - 12 Jan 2021
    10:41 am
I think communication is key to relationships, we need to be open and honest with each other about the things that upset us to work through them. This is such a great article when considering splitting

- - mom101628 said
  - 11 Jan 2021
    11:53 pm
Excellent article to read when considering your future. Thanks for posting it.

- - Frankiielot said
  - 11 Jan 2021
    10:13 pm
It’s definitely a big decision.
Often I find myself biting my tongue when something annoys it upsets me because I’m too exhausted to fight and get even more angry.
I also think that it would be upsetting for kids to experience the divorce of their parents if they love them both. Different story if one was abusive, especially physically but if you’ve put up a front for ages where everything seems find and then suddenly it’s not, it would definitely impact them in a different way.

- - SPerry37 said
  - 11 Jan 2021
    8:46 pm
Some times of think about and then I think why how I would be but then deep down I do love him sometimes I wish he would be a bit more helpful and a bit less selfish and did a bit more with kids
- Frankiielot replied
  
  11 Jan 2021 , 10:10 pm
  This is exactly how I feel!
- - Zmijka86 said
  - 11 Jan 2021
    8:10 pm
Excellent points . Thank you for sharing

- - mom466291 said
  - 09 Jan 2021
    6:56 pm
Excellent points to consider, i wouldn’t say yes to many of them

- - mom74005 said
  - 18 Jul 2018
    6:33 pm
It’s some good points to Assist in working out your feelings and what you want.

- - nadine_hill said
  - 18 Jul 2018
    12:53 pm
Good article – the best point it makes is sitting down and thinking- unless you nut things out in your own head and decide what you really want, you have no chance of talking it through with your partner – which is definitely what is needed regardless of the outcome.

- - coastalkaryn said
  - 31 Jan 2016
    8:15 pm
I threw my wedding ring out of the car window, and listened to it tink tink tink on the asphalt before I took off!

- - june11 said
  - 21 Jan 2016
    7:20 pm
Why is there so much lack of communication in marriages?? Lose you phones, computers and TVs and make time to talk and be together. If there is children that decisions are affected because they don’t agree on what the kids are allowed to do, or where they are allowed to go—–don’t let the kids play you off against each other. One trick some play is they ask one parent a question, then later they ask the other one. The last person is told.”…..told me I could”. I have witnessed this in a few families. Then the parents start arguing over it. Sometimes the kids think it is funny.

- - curlytops said
  - 18 Jan 2016
    6:47 pm
could be a good exercise to do if things are not going so well.

- - mamavon said
  - 11 Jan 2016
    11:43 am
That is a pretty good exercise to do if you are unhappy with your marriage. Really sit down and think through everything. Even if you end up thinking no I don’t want a divorce after that exercise, I still think the couple should be talking about all the issues they may have. Just not wanting a divorce doesn’t really fix the problem why you may be unhappy. Communication is vital.

- - mom160421 said
  - 09 Jan 2016
    4:26 pm
There are a lot of factors that keep people in unhappy marriages – sometimes it’s children, sometimes finances, sometimes religious or cultural beliefs, sometimes it’s a pros and cons list with the pros winning out. It’s a very personal decision, and what keeps one person in a marriage may not necessarily be reasons that would keep another person in a marriage.