Being a Mother to a 2 year old, I have started to remember some of the threatening phrases my Mum used to say to me when I was young.

I think most of us have come across some of the below. It’s funny looking back on them, because they sound so stupid now. But when you are a kid, they meant some serious stuff.

To be honest, I have used a couple on Reeve. But I feel like a dick when I do. They just sound so corny. But they do actually work…..sometimes.

Here is a trip down memory lane for you:

Stop carrying on like a pork chop: This was my Mum’s favourite. She used this one all the time on me. Once I got a bit older, I used to challenge her with this favourite phrase of hers. I would ask real brat like, “How does a pork chop carry on Mum? I’m confused. Please explain it to me”.  I could see in her face as she turned the other way, thinking, ‘Crap. I have no idea. Why didn’t I do my research for this smartarse’.

Do you want a smack?: Aaahhh. The old question for something that is supposed to be threatening. “Yes please Mum. What an awesome idea”, kids would reply smartly back. Who thought of this stupid one? Of course your kids are going to backchat you on this.

I’ll give you something to cry about: No, don’t worry….. BECAUSE I’M ALREADY BLOODY CRYING AS YOU CAN SEE!! Not sure what this one was supposed to do. But I think it was a threat to make you really really cry. Just in case you weren’t crying enough.

Are you sure you want to do that?: Ummm, well now I don’t know. I was going to because it looked like fun, but are you threatening me or encouraging me to do something better. Just tell me what you want woman!

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• It takes a village to raise a child
• How times have changed

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I’ll get the wooden spoon: This was the same as saying, “I’ll get the shotgun out, pump 5 rounds into the air, and scare the crap out of you”. I don’t know one kid that would play up after this phrase was screamed from the mouths of Mothers. The Wooden Spoon was a weapon to never cross, and still is the highest power to stop kids doing anything bad.

I still have a tingly feeling in my arse every time I get the wooden spoon out to cook. That freaking wooden thing has imprinted on my brain as one of the scariest things in the world. It’s like it looks at me and threatens me when I pick it up. I can never make eye contact with it.

The mood killer to all things naughty.

I won’t ask/tell you twice: Okay, so don’t. I’m cool with that.

If you don’t go to sleep Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy won’t visit you: That’s the whole freaking reason I am staying awake silly!! I want to see if these people exist. You better not be lying to me. I am starting to have my suspicions that you want me to go to sleep, and let these weirdos creep into my room when I am so vulnerable.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite: Never a good thing to say to a kid when you turn off the light, leave them in the dark, and close the door on them. It’s the same as saying “Good luck kid. Some bad arse things are going to bite you in your bed tonight. Will see you in the morning…..if you are still alive”.

So these are just a few that I remember. Writing them down makes me laugh, because I am an adult now. For kids, these phrases can scare the be Jesus out of you.

If your kid is being a real arse, try some of these above. You can only hope for the best that they work.

If you have any others that you remember when you were a kid, please share in the comments below.

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