“How long are you going to take with the drinks!?” she yelled from the living room snidely as she heard my mobile ringing from the kitchen. Yes, I have a toxic mother.
The only reason she was being so rude and demanding was that she heard it ring. She wanted to subtly remind me that I was not permitted to use my device to communicate with the outside world whilst in her presence.
Even though I am no longer under her roof and realistically she was at my house, the years of mental torture surrounding the restrictions I faced when it came to being in touch with anyone, are still very much felt when in the presence of my toxic mother – most probably because even though it is unsaid, the rules are still very much in force.
I actually didn’t want to be getting drinks for anyone anyway. I wanted to be sitting down. My heavily pregnant belly was starting to ache and I had an uncomfortable pulling feeling between my legs. My vagina was calling it a day and my entire body just kept telling me to put my feet up and relax. But I couldn’t. What kind of host could possibly entertain their guests from the comfort of their lounge.
I Couldn’t Answer My Mobile!
My mobile rang a second time, again from a private caller making me even more concerned that I couldn’t pick it up. People don’t usually call twice in a short space of time unless it’s urgent. Then again people don’t usually call from blocked numbers unless it’s some sort of marketing nonsense. My hope was that it was the latter! Either way, thankfully they had left two voicemail messages so I’d be able to get back to them as soon as my mum had left.
Why are some mothers so unbearably controlling? What is it that they fear? God, I hope I don’t put my children through that sort of toxic behaviour!
Strangely she doesn’t treat my brother the way she does me. He was able to sit with her texting non-stop on his mobile as I attended to everything and everyone without a single offer of help from anyone, except for my dad who was being a champion with the kids.
Boys are better than Girls!
Growing up I learned that having a penis granted you special privileges in my household. Boys can do whatever they want, whenever they want to and without any restrictions. The complete opposite of girls! And there was no way of escaping the rules or bringing a sense of equality to the family. I was beneath everyone and if I’m honest I still feel I am treated this way by my mother.
It was her birthday, so I can understand that pampering her on her special day is important. However, no matter whose birthday she attends she’s always the one whose needs are catered to the most. Her happiness is of utmost importance. And there isn’t ever any assistance from her.
No Empathy for me!
It was up to me to meet the needs of seven children as well as the adults and cook, all whilst heavily pregnant because for some reason my mother didn’t want to come over at a time that was best suited to me, like when my hubby got home from work. No, she didn’t want it to be that easy for me, a birthday dinner like the ones she usually attends was completely out of the question. There was no empathy for me whatsoever. But that’s alright, I’m used to it.
Why do I do it?
What I’m not used to is discovering that the calls I felt obligated to let go to voicemail were actually important to my health! It was the hospital in regards to my test results and I really did need to take those calls! I felt so stupid having let it go on purpose and somewhat annoyed at myself that I still allow myself to be placed in these sorts of positions just for the purpose of keeping the peace!
What exactly do I get out of abiding by a toxic relationship with my toxic mother?
Nothing! A big fat nothing!
A Toxic Mother
When we hear the term ‘toxic relationship’ we often think of romantic ones where one partner is simply a horrible human being. Thankfully it’s not often that we identify parent and child relationships that meet the same criteria but they sadly do exist.
Seeing them for what they are and breaking the cycle isn’t just important for your own wellbeing, but I believe it’s vital – especially if you want to have a family of your own, to be able to recognise the difference between when a person loves you opposed to when they just want to control you, so that you don’t unintentionally make your children suffer the same fate as you.
It is your life after all, and no matter what, you deserve to be happy!
Do you have or know anyone who has a toxic mother? What advice would you give this mum? Tell us in the comments below.