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Being the first woman in your friendship group to have a baby can be isolating, and even more so when your friends decide to holiday without you. But before you judge, you need to hear this story from the child-free friend’s point of view.

A 24-year-old woman has taken to the internet to ask whether she’s in the wrong for telling her friend Anna, also 24, that her baby is the reason nobody wants her around. As she revealed, Anna is the first person in their friend group to become a mum, everyone else is childless.

“All of us used to hang out a lot before the baby was born,” she explained. “Baby changed dynamics because Anna wanted to bring the baby everywhere with her and it’s a baby. We tried to plan things around baby to include Anna but it always ended up badly. We shouldn’t drink, ’cause Anna can’t drink. We shouldn’t be loud ’cause baby needs to sleep. Iceing on the cake is her baby is extremely fussy and cries all the time. It was just a downer for rest of us.

“She refuses to leave baby with her boyfriend or babysitter. Even when we say an event is adults only, like a dinner we had a few weeks ago, she still brought her baby. Baby cried throughout the night earning us glares and we had to leave early.

“So we started hanging out without Anna and her baby.”

“Last weekend all of us went on a staycation. We had a great time and posted photos and videos on Instagram. Anna saw these and called me to ask why I did not ask her to come with. I tried telling her it was a last minute plan and we could only find a childfree resort so as to not hurt her feelings. She called my bluff sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.”

The woman said Anna begged her to explain why she wasn’t invited to the holiday.

“She kept forcing me and I told her we did not want to hang out with her baby. She asked how can I say that about her baby?

“I asked her to leave it at that but she wouldn’t. I finally told her it’s a baby and we are all young. We don’t want to live our life around a baby she chose to have. That we get to do adult stuff and party all we wanted. Her baby is the only reason she wasn’t invited. If she left baby at home she can come too. She got pissed off at me and called me an a**hole. She also sent a text in group chat saying she is disappointed in all of us for excluding her just because she is a mum.

“Half of our friend group thinks I should not have told her the real reason and is mad at me. Other half thinks she is unreasonable. A I the a**hole for telling her the truth?”

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below. 

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  • Having a baby changes everything. She might be better to find a new friendship group with other Mums.

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  • It’s understandable that both perspectives in this situation carry valid feelings. Anna’s transition into motherhood significantly changed the dynamic of the group, causing a natural drift due to different priorities and needs. It’s undoubtedly challenging for friends to navigate this change. Being excluded, particularly from an unplanned event, can be hurtful, especially when it’s perceived as a result of having a child.

    Your friend was perhaps honest, but honesty doesn’t always equate to tact. It might have been more considerate to express concerns gently. However, her feelings and the group’s actions also have merit—maintaining their lifestyles while adjusting to Anna’s new circumstances.

    Finding a balance between both parties’ needs might be the best way forward. It’s essential to communicate openly and find common ground to ensure inclusivity while acknowledging the different life stages present within the group. This issue speaks to the challenge of navigating friendships during significant life changes. Offering empathy and understanding to each other’s feelings will help to reconcile differences and maintain the friendship.

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  • No you’re not being unreasonable. She needs to understand that you all love to see her but there are times when she needs to get a baby sitter (what about her parents) so you can all let off steam. She is the one being unreasonable and I’m sure that if someone else had the baby, she’d feel the same way you all do. If she wants to come and bring her baby than you shouldn’t change what you would do normally. If you want to drink, then do so but don’t go overboard though.

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  • When I had my babies I had to pick and choose my outings to be reasonable towards everyone. Some outings I was able to attend baby free and others no I had to take my baby. There were times I didn’t go because I knew it wouldn’t work out cause I had my baby and that was OK with me cause I knew I had to compromise so this mum needs to do the same unfortunately you just can’t have it all.

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  • Wow! What a messy situation. From what I can make out from above, she has not been understanding at all or prepared to consider others. Having a baby does change things, but it’s also sad that she doesn’t want to ever leave her baby. Mums need a break too. Sorry your friends didn’t back you up, and I’m not sure how this goes moving forward. I do understand how you felt. It’s a shame a calm conversation couldn’t have been had before had, but I think it’s a bit too late now.

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  • Sounds like Anna doesn’t want to compromise. But I wonder if she doesn’t trust BF with the baby. Maybe organise a get together at her house but bring a plate of nibbles? That way, she’s still included, baby is in its own comfort zone, and BF is on hand for support.

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  • Difficult situation for all. Maybe you should invite her when you go out for a coffee or lunch instead of for drinks and dinner or maybe only invite her where she can take the baby.

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  • ????????

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  • Surely the mum would realise that her friends won’t to do things that don’t involve a baby. Maybe they could have softened the blow a little, but it still needed to be said.

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  • Look it happens..
    I had twins at 23 ant slowly my friends started hanging out and making plants without me. It hurt at first but im fine with what happened, opened me up to a different circle of women

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  • If they want to go away without a baby thats reasonable. Maybe they could have invited her but said they didn’t want the baby to come and given her a choice. It’s sad that when we become mothers we get left out of things. I feel for her.

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  • I read this on Reddit and when I last checked it was a pretty strong NTA vote.
    Unfortunately you can expect everyone to adapt to your new normal. It would be nice to include Anna in some outings, but she can’t expect to be invited to everything. Babies change what you’re able to do, and you can’t control how they’re going to behave. The friend group is pretty young, and it sounds like they aren’t in the same era of their lives.

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  • Well I cannot believe that your friend is so naive that she thinks every one of her old childless mates would want her around with a noisy bub. When one goes to this stage, then one gets new friends who all have bubs, and one leaves the old lifestyle behind. It is called growing up and moving on with your life.

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  • Not a great situation to be in. There is a time and place for momma’s to bring their baby. If the friends wanted a trip away without her and the baby then that’s fine. They are adults now and if the girl with the baby didn’t get invited then that shouldn’t be a problem.

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  • Oh poor friend can you just imagine what’s she’s feeling inside kinda feel sorry for her bit harsh
    Yes it’s her choice to have a kid but she also would like to be around her so called friends too sometimes being a mum you can feel lonely but it’s your choice off what you want but feel sorry for her
    I love having my friends around and there kids

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  • Such a awful situation to be in. Hard one but if she is a really good friend, you put up with both the good and the bad.

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  • I would do what you feel is best, I think a conversation explaining the challenges of bringing her baby all the time and explaining some things are more suitable with the baby. Ask her to respect the ‘adult things’ and feel free on other occasions. Surely she would understand that

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  • Surely there’s a middle ground. Although to expect others not to drink, etc because she can’t is definitely not her finding a middle ground. If there’s give and take on both sides thing should work out at least half the time.

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  • Its hard when friendships end up at different stages in life.

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  • This is sad but kind of understandable. Perhaps you could find some more baby friendly activities – like meeting outside for coffee or a walk (baby in pram)?

    Reply

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