For years I’ve been an angry person, a depressed person, a life of the party person…When I was a teenager I rebelled…hard, cried lots over boyfriends, self harmed and felt suicidal, screamed at my mother and did the mandatory drop out of school, leave home with a older boyfriend and get some tattoos. I went through the goodgirl, badgirl, stoner, punk, sex crazy phases. I ended up pregnant at 17, and then at 18, married their dad at 20 and had another child at 24. Soon after it all unraveled, my marriage, my sanity, my life. I stopped cleaning my kitchen bench for 3 weeks – for a person with OCD tendencies this was a clear sign to me something was wrong. I sought counseling where i sobbed through every session and felt upset for days after. I went for awhile until I couldn’t take it anymore. A couple more years went by and I left my husband, screamed at my kids, cried all the time, screamed at him and almost wanted to die again…everyday. I stopped talking to my whole family for 18 months and then a year. I went further inside myself trying to hide from all the pain caused to me. I had a physical breakdown that become a mental one that needed antidepressant treatment. . Now I’m weaning myself off them to see if anything has changed. It seems everything is as it was before I took my pills. My husband and I have ‘reunited’ even though he never really left and we are about to go back to our home. He suggests that I might be Bipolar – something many of his friends are. My mum and I have had many discussions over the years where she calls me ‘very sensitive’, ‘very emotional’. My husband agrees. I agree. Little things set me off in a big way and then the big things make me explode. I’m not an easy person to deal with. I’m also negative and critical. Sadly It seems that I have more of these moments than my other personality traits of being able to light up a room, charming and witty. I looked up the Bi polar sites (Something I had done many years ago and discarded it as ‘not me’), now it seems I check all the ‘right’ boxes. If I am I wonder what approach I’d take in regards to my mental health. Ironic that I once worked with people and their mental disorders. I’ve always relied on my brain and my way of thinking to get my through life, it makes me sad, worried and paranoid. What will people think of me? What will I think of myself?
Posted by vidald79, 28th March 2014