This post is inspired by beautiful New Zealand. The fall is here, the deciduous trees are sparkling in yellow, orange and reds majestic in their contrast to the ever greens, beaming with colourful flames against the back ground of cold blue rivers. The chill is invigorating, cleansing and renewing all at once. Mountains peaks dusted with fresh snow fill me with physical excitement (maybe this year I will find time for a ski getaway). This magnificent atmosphere left me contemplating romance.
What is it? How do we find it? How it can be induced? Can it be found in a beautiful retreat with fire place overlooking a scenic lake, a glass of wine by candle lights, soft music, a look, a touch, words, letters.
How do we FEEL romantic? What INSPIRES it? How do we DO romance?
Last week a new client started working with me ready to make positive changes in her love life. Lisa’s story is so similar to all of us, couples struggling to find the spark, energy and passion in our overwhelmingly busy world. During our first session I love asking my clients a few very specific questions that paint a good picture of their wants and desires; what lights them up and what’s important to them. I also enquire about their relationship at the beginning and how they fell in love. The answers to these Qs give me clues to what has to happen in order for their relationship to thrive again. These Qs bring to surface the warm, loving and romantic memories that some couples have long forgotten. Today I want to share these Qs with you to inspire romance in your relationship.
The first Q is: How did you meet? What attracted you to each other? Getting answers to these Qs helped Lisa access her loving and romantic memories about Paul (her husband). There were distinct physical, emotional and human qualities that made Paul stand out, become irresistible, desired and attractive to Lisa.
Some feel confused at first as they come to me to get validation to their rightfulness to feel miserable, being a victim and wanting me to fix their partner. All day long they ponder about their partner’s defects and here I am asking what was great about them in the past, what did they like about them, how they fell in love.
One of my teachers Anthony Robbins constantly reminds us that in order to fall IN LOVE with someone we strongly associate with everything that is great, amazing, lovely (or just OK) about this person and disassociate from everything less desirable. We think about how wonderful, funny, sexy, handsome they are, tell everybody about them until we make our friends sick. When we fall OUT OF LOVE we do the opposite, we associate with all their real and “perceived” defects and disassociate from everything likable.
So do you give me permission now to ask YOU, how did you fall in love with your partner? Take a mental vacation to the point in time where you were madly in love.
The second Q I love asking: In the past what would you do to please your partner? This is a great way to ignite some long forgotten playful memories. In Lisa’s case she said she would dress sexy for Paul, prepare a romantic dinner, light up candles, give him massage, show curiosity about his work and a few other things… The list was pretty long… The theme is usually quite predictable make your man feeling significant, needed and important.
Usually when I raise this Q with men they report that in the past they happily took the garbage out, took their lady out, listened to her and complemented her talents. We, women love attention and praise.
Since in the past (really long time ago…) we all did ANYTHING for our loved one (way before we had kids… I know) it is helpful to become somewhat STRATEGIC about pleasing our partner and discover what really makes them happy. I invite you to become a curious detective and find out what makes your spouse feel loved, appreciated, passionate, excited etc…
And lastly… What turns you on? Physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically and spiritually. What lights up your senses, ignites you with sheer excitement, passion and desire for LIFE. What turn you on passionately? You might know the A to this Q and in this case all you need is just a strong enough reason to communicate it to your partner.
However don’t feel worried, ashamed, confused if you don’t know the A. Lisa is not quite sure either. I suggested she experiments with different words, voice qualities, look, touches or even activities (romantic dinner, Champaign n candle lights, brisk walk after kids are in bed) to enhance her desire. Keep a diary to learn about yourself.
Women are delightfully more complex than men and might even require a different approach at different times of the month. What I suggested to Lisa is that she starts a new game, game of experimenting with pleasure.
For inspiration I recommend a book called “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman it will give you a few ideas about your love language.
Well this is it for today, lots to digest, INSPIRE and think about.
I am running a free community workshop @ Forestville Uniting Church called Awakening Your Feminine Power, it is going to be awesome, fun and inspiring. Register online if you ready to ignite your radiance.
Live with passion!