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Over twenty weeks pregnant – and my husband can’t bear to break the news to his parents. My pregnancy is unwanted by my children’s grandparents.

He doesn’t want to hurt them, and at the same time he does not want to be hurt by them, to have to deal with the repercussions. The scolding. The disappointment. The anger.

Considering they are overseas at the moment, shouldn’t it be easier for him to break the news over the phone as opposed to face to face?

Disgrace!

It kills me. Deep down inside. Knowing that the first reaction of what is normally such joyous news, will be one of sheer disgrace from them.

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I wish I knew where their disappointment stemmed from. I could completely empathise if they were concerned about the burden it would be on them. If they were relied upon to babysit or do anything for their grandchildren, then, of course, they could voice that it’s too much responsibility for them to handle.

As it stands they’ve watched our children for two hours one evening whilst my husband and I rushed our baby to the hospital with breathing difficulties.

Two hours – out of ten years of being their grandparents.

Heartbreaking

My hubby re-enacts his parent’s responses each and every time I bring it up. I can’t help but laugh because picturing this grown man about to get absolutely lambasted by his parents, at our age, is really quite hilarious as much as it is heartbreaking.

He’s promised them that he would get a vasectomy more times than either of us care to remember. But at what age is a person allowed to grow their family without the approval of their parents? And do parents even have a say over their child’s reproductive organs? Aren’t there any boundaries whatsoever?

What’s going on exactly?

I know they are always fearful about the toll a pregnancy will have on their son physically. Somehow my husband always gains what I can only call ‘sympathy weight’ whenever we’re expecting. I don’t know how he does it, but he does.

He develops aches and pains and really suffers sometimes which I’m sure must be difficult for any parent to see – but what about the actual pregnant person? What about me? If it takes such a dramatic sympathetic toll on him, what about the person going through the real deal? Or perhaps that doesn’t matter because I’m not their child? Or maybe I just don’t complain the way that he does!

What Could I Do To Get Their Acceptance?

What if I signed an agreement that my hubby wouldn’t be expected in any way to exert himself with our children? Would that make for a more acceptable pregnancy? If I promised that he would still be there at their beck and call without myself or the children getting in the way?

It would actually be easier for my husband to tell his parents that I’m pregnant with another man’s child than to confess to the paternity himself.

We go through this each and every single time, then the day comes when his parents get to see the baby and fall in love with it.

And all is forgotten.

Does it have to be so stressful though? If the end result is going to be one of love? Do we have to be subjected to this disappointment in the lead up? Because honestly if I allowed myself to dwell on it too deeply it has the potential to crush my soul.

Or does it?

In reality we are embarking on a pregnancy that we want. We are about to have our lives enriched by the miracle of a little life joining our family. I don’t really think there is any force on Earth which could dull the excitement for anyone wanting to experience this blessing.

I’m sure their concern for their son comes from a place of love. I may never understand it and I hope I don’t ever make any of my children feel as though they can’t tell me that they’re expecting a baby… but maybe that’s the lesson in all of this?

Acceptance….

Perhaps it’s acceptance? Learning to accept people’s reactions, their points of view even if you can’t quite see things from their perspective. So that one day if faced with similar circumstances, I will be able to provide the love and support that they so desperately craved as opposed to the judgment and loathing they were forced to endure.

A big part of me just wants to share the news proudly on my social media accounts without any regard for their feelings… but I know that will only exacerbate the problem… so I guess I’ll just wait it out in hiding for as long as we can.

Surprise!

Maybe if we just surprise them randomly with a new baby one day it would be less of a traumatic experience for them?

At the end of it all, if a child is fed, clothed and has a roof above their head, combined with an abundance of love – what more could any grandparent hope to have for their grandchildren, or even for their son? A new addition won’t necessarily take away from their time with him, as big of a fear as that may be for them.

Have you ever been in a situation where your pregnancy is unwanted by someone else? Do grandparents have a right to judge how many kids their own children want to have? Tell us in the comments below.

  • Too bad for them I say.

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  • It is not about the grandparents, they need to grow up

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  • Congratulations! Can’t think of any happier news than that of a new Grandbaby…or even the addition to the extended family of a new baby. Sad that self indulgent parents can’t accept that a husband and wife are meant to form their own team for life and should be able to do so with the support and guidance of both sets of parents…not controlling, loving guidance and support, i.e., oh, “Jenny you have been so busy with baby Sam who is teething, can I hang your washing or have a cuddle with my Grandson if you want to take a nap?” That tells Jenny you actually care about both of them and that you understand that life as a Mum can be exhausting but that you’re there and it’s ok to take a nap while Grandma gets to cuddle her Grandchild and hang out washing or empty a dishwasher.
    I feel for you that your husband’s parents are so silly and thoughtless, however, they are overseas…perhaps they should just come home to a surprise and if they are shocked that they didn’t know…they probably need to know why they weren’t told. Perhaps their son gets ill because of their reaction and the stress of having to deal with THEM through the pregnancy? Perhaps they need to be told that you didn’t want to stress them and needed to have less stress and upset through the pregnancy yourselves, both of you!
    If they arrive home and you are a Mum again or you are ready to deliver…hopefully they’ll get the message and wake up to themselves.
    If they don’t want to be a part of their Grandchildren’s lives, more fool them…their loss…sadly it is also a loss for their Grandchildren and for both of you…can’t wait to see my Grandchildren from one visit to the next.

    Reply

  • They definitely should not have a say! It is your family and your decision!

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  • I remember dreading telling my parents, my dad didn’t like my partner after his sister (who was married to my brother) caused all sorts of trouble for our family. I told mum and left it to her to tell dad. His response,”She should have an abortion, what sort of life will that baby have?” He came round, ended up buying a few bits and pieces before bub was born. I’ll always remember his initial response tho, nearly broke me

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  • If the pregnant couple are happy with the impending new arrival, the unhappy grandpa seem to be bringing some unnecessary toxicity to the whole situation. Very sad but maybe those apron strings need to be cut forever.

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  • It is none of their business if you want to increase your family or even if it was an accident. You are grown adults and can decide for yourselves.

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  • My ex didn’t want our second and his parents jumped on his bandwagon hence why he is my ex husband

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  • What an awful experience to go through. I can’t imagine anyone would be anything but joyous for a happily married couple to be expecting a baby

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  • The real issue isn’t the unwanted pregancy by the inlaws it’s the hold they have on their son and the hold he, as a grown man is letting them have on him which appears to be why they feel they can have so much influence with him. Deal with that and the other will resolve itself. No one can tell you how to handle this but if I was in this situation, I’d tell my husband to locate his spine in regards to his parents and if he wouldn’t or couldn’t then I’d gladly put them in their place after telling them of the wonderful baby news myself, but that’s just me.

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  • Pfftt … With grandparents like that, my children would grow up without knowing their grandparents. Thankfully my great grandparents and grandparents love their grandchildren. Wish I could see them more. I feel for this mother, but if the grandparents hate the idea so much, and you wanted a child, tough to them.

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  • Wow! What lovely people they must be! Anyway, let it be their problem, not yours. All you need to do is love your new little baby. Maybe even consider cutting the “grandparents” out of your lives. Hard to see how they could be enriching the lives of you and your family!

    Reply

  • OMG this is just disgraceful. It says more about them as people than anything about you and your husband. I also know traumatic family experiences are exacerbated when you become a parent yourself, hence perhaps your husband’s reaction. We are estranged from my in-laws to keep my son safe as they’re evil, destructive, and treat him as a pawn. They want to see him at their place, with their rules, etc. and not me. My father-in-law called me a dog. When I have only ever been nice, caring, etc. to them for the 30 years I’ve been in this family. I’ve never been happier now I no longer have anything to do with them.

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  • My sister in law was in this position, it was extremely bad the emotional abuse she copped from the grandmother was awful, which turned into her partner being brain washed by his mother… it was an agonising 9 months the poor girl, now the grandmother is happy she has the child in her life but definitely doesn’t let them forget “they made her a grandmother to young” (mind you her son was in his late 20s) fun times!

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  • We’ve never been in that situation. I had trouble conceiving and all I ever got was positive reinforcement from both sets of parents. The only time his parents should say anything is if he asks them for money because you don’t have enough to feed your family. Don’t say anything and when they find out and want to know why they weren’t told in the first place, tell them the truth how what they say when they find out is hurtful to you both. They might just stop and think then. Good luck and happy pregnancy

    Reply

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