23 Comments

I was at breaking point.

Beyond breaking point really.

I had already snapped. Let my emotions overflow. And I was just trying to make it through each day.

For eight months I had been trying to build the courage to tell my mother that I wanted my in-laws to attend my baby’s baptism as much as I did her.

You see, even though my mother and my in-laws were once the greatest of friends, that relationship no longer existed.

Finally, once I had built the courage to talk to my mother about my desire to have both sets of grandparents attend the babies special day, I found out that she would not be attending.

Even though she had made me give her eight months’ notice.

I couldn’t believe it.

There I was for the last eight months stressing my life away every single day, not doing a single thing to prepare for the baptism because every time something would come up that would remotely remind me of the beautiful day it would shut my entire mind down. My mother had no intention of attending- even without knowing that I wanted the baby’s other set of grandparents to witness the occasion as well.

I was crushed.

I couldn’t believe I had been questioning my life over this. What kind of person I was to still be under so much control? And how I could possibly go on living this way?

For over a decade I had been having two separate parties for each of my children, just to accommodate my mother.
And it was killing me. Physically, emotionally and financially draining me.

I felt I couldn’t go on living this way. But I didn’t know how to get out of it.

The situation made me feel as though my children would be better off without me considering that I saw myself as just my mother’s puppet.

And I didn’t ever want to put any of my children through what she had done to me.

It Got Worse….

I responded by letting my mother know that this would not go on. I would no longer be hosting two separate parties simply because she refused to be civil.

I soon found out that my brother had completely forgotten about the baptism, even though he was supposed to be the baby’s Godfather. And he wasn’t sure if he could get time off work.

On top of these extreme situations causing a roller coaster of emotions, just 24-hours before my baby’s special day, his godmother-to-be let me know that she wouldn’t be able to make it.

One of her employees had called in sick and she couldn’t let the shop run on only two staff members even for an hour as it would have been overwhelmingly busy.

It hit me hard because she knew what a dark place I was already in over the circumstances with my mother. And this was heartbreaking to hear- but admittedly it wasn’t as bad as hearing my own mother not wanting to be there.

I was on edge. I couldn’t focus on anything.

What was I supposed to do?

I felt so alone. But more than that, deeply unloved.

I couldn’t cancel the event. I had booked a private time at the church so that one of my little ones with special needs wouldn’t disrupt anyone else’s baptism…

It had to go on. I had to go on.

I couldn’t stop being myself and doing what was in my heart simply because of the situations around me. No matter how badly I just wanted to give up.

Arriving at the church my exterior appearance was a true reflection of how broken I was on the inside.

My clothes didn’t fit properly. I had no time to buy something suitable for myself, nor did I have the motivation to care for my body over the last eight months to exercise enough to fit in to the items already in my wardrobe.

I had attempted to do my own hair and failed. My nails were all bare and uneven. My makeup resembled that of a drag queen… I had overcompensated to try and mask the devastation I felt inside.

And there she was.

As we parked the car.

My mother had decided that the occasion was worth attending.

Fighting back the tears was unbelievably difficult. I was completely overwhelmed.

And to think I would have missed all of this.

If I had bailed on life. If I hadn’t kept going. If I didn’t continue believing that everything always works out.

I would have lost out on it all.

Sure, it wasn’t the most perfect of situations. My mother and brother chose not to join the rest of the family for lunch afterwards.

But they were there for the baby for the ceremony, and that’s what matters most.

Of course, my mind is wondering if this means I now have to go back on my word and start hosting two parties again just to accommodate my mother, but I’m choosing to take each day as it comes.

Take life one day at a time.

You never know what tomorrow may bring.

Life only ever keeps getting better. No matter what obstacles you face. It is all completely worth it. Just don’t give up on yourself and the power you hold within to stay strong no matter how hard it feels.

If you need support please contact Lifeline 13 11 14.

What kind of relationship do/did you have with your mum? Tell us in the comments below.

  • My mum is very controlling its instantly I’m 12 again when she visits and stays. I’m 44! But my younger sister has it different with the same mum. It’s not my mum treats her differently, it’s just my sister is more in her own truth and less sensitive. I’ve always been super sensitive and cower down more. Use your words. Like “no” or “no” haha.
    We can do it.
    If she gets offended so be it. Her problem not yours.

    Reply

  • Heartbreaking indeed ! Even when it is good to take more distance from your mum like in this case it still hurts.

    Reply

  • That is heartbreaking. Maybe your Mum thrives on being difficult. Maybe she is jealous the other grandparents see your children at all and makes a point of not agreeing with what your Mother-in-law says or does. Maybe you need to talk to your Mum and find out her version of why they no longer get along and your husband/partner talk to his Mum. You will both to not say too much during the conversation so you can’t be accused of taking sides.

    Reply

  • That is so sad! My mum is no longer alive as she passed away when I was a child so was not here when I had my kids but this would be heartbreaking!

    Reply

  • How sad. I would imagine that as an adult, you would do anything you needed to be a part of your daughter’s life and your grandchilds.

    Reply

  • Im lucky and have a great relationship with my mum. This sounds so sad and depressing

    Reply

  • Completely understand the anxieties that come from thinking there is a need to satisfy mum. Or the anxieties that come from her actions.
    It’s difficult to break away from it. She is controlling after all and that is all you know from being raised by her.
    I still struggle with my mum, but things are better since creating simple boundaries. Tackling the big stuff will be too hard. But dealing with little things one by one will make it easier to snip off the puppet strings.

    Reply

  • So sorry for you and understand what you have been going through. I had a bad relationship with my mother and vowed and declared I would not be the same way to my children. Guess I have succeeded in the latter as we are all still friends and not just a parent. Hang in there – it will work out in the end and the loser will be her, not you.

    Reply

  • This is tough. I’d say don’t accommodate her – do what’s best for you.

    Reply

  • I was very lucky to meet my late husband when I was 13. He saw what life was like for me so we moved in together when I was 14. He was working away (at 15) for the better part of 2 years but we made it work. Once I moved out of home, at least once a week my Mother would be at my doorstep asking if I had any money she could borrow. This carried on for over 40 years until she passed away. She was in hospital when I last saw her and what she said to me then still floors me. She told me that she loved me and was very proud of me and how I’d lived my life. I was so dumbstruck the first thing I said was to call her a “bitch” but we both laughed at that. All those wasted years because she couldn’t tell me how proud she was of me or that she loved me.
    Don’t let this happen to you. Live your life for your husband and children and if your Mother doesn’t like it that’s her loss not yours.

    Reply

  • I had a great relationship with my mum and still do now. I have more courage now to tell her if something she has done or said upsets me as I have my own family now. She’d do anything for me and my family.

    Reply

  • Growing up all I ever wanted to do was make my mother proud, I did anything to make her happy. She loved to control everyone and everything and I let her. I moved out at 15 because we were clashing and I wanted a good relationship with her. She still had to control everything in my life and nothing was good enough. It caused me relationship problems because partners would say to cut her out she doesn’t care but I couldn’t because I lost my father at a young age. When I was pregnant I asked her the wrong question about my father and she cut me out. But I showed up crying begging her to help as I was single and pregnant she lied to get what she needed by saying she loves me and has been waiting and once she got her way she cut me out. I gave birth to a beautiful boy and gave her 1last chance she met him then went behind my back as soon as she left trying to control who I see. Having my boy gave me the strength to see i don’t need her. I haven’t seen her since that day and she hasn’t tried to see me and honestly it’s been the best 3years of my life. It was hard at first because I lost my 5siblings and all relatives as they were told if they want me in there life then she looses her and my siblings but within a year without asking for it I became the legal guardian of my brother and sister both came to me severely traumatized and suicidal at ages 11 and 13 anxiety too bad for school and a suicide attempt, they both go to school full time again and are top of there class, they are finally happy and I tell them every day how beautiful and loved they are because it took a lot to convince them it was true. It took me a long time to realise my worth and that I am good enough even longer to get out of the habit of appoligizing every second sentence like everything I do is wrong. I had my first pannik attack at 12 at the time I didn’t know what it was until I was diagnosed with anxiety at 16 I will always have severe anxiety because of her but I’m happy to say without her in my life I haven’t had a single pannik attack.
    Moral of the story is sometimes even though your supposed to love your mum no matter what it’s best for you to let go of poisoun in your life

    Reply

  • Such a heartbreaking situation to be in! Don’t give up mumma you are still very much loved.

    Reply

  • My heart goes out to this woman and I hope she continues to make clear to hear mum that she can’t accommodate 2 parties for every event.

    Reply

  • A great story of hope and she is right, you never now what you would be missing out on. Ask for help if you need, there is no shame

    Reply

Post a comment
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

Please enter your comment below
Would you like to include a photo?

No picture uploaded yet
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.

Your MoM account

Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your comment and join MoM:

You May Like

Loading…

Looks like this may be blocked by you browser or content filtering.

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join