I was at breaking point.
Beyond breaking point really.
I had already snapped. Let my emotions overflow. And I was just trying to make it through each day.
For eight months I had been trying to build the courage to tell my mother that I wanted my in-laws to attend my baby’s baptism as much as I did her.
You see, even though my mother and my in-laws were once the greatest of friends, that relationship no longer existed.
Finally, once I had built the courage to talk to my mother about my desire to have both sets of grandparents attend the babies special day, I found out that she would not be attending.
Even though she had made me give her eight months’ notice.
I couldn’t believe it.
There I was for the last eight months stressing my life away every single day, not doing a single thing to prepare for the baptism because every time something would come up that would remotely remind me of the beautiful day it would shut my entire mind down. My mother had no intention of attending- even without knowing that I wanted the baby’s other set of grandparents to witness the occasion as well.
I was crushed.
I couldn’t believe I had been questioning my life over this. What kind of person I was to still be under so much control? And how I could possibly go on living this way?
For over a decade I had been having two separate parties for each of my children, just to accommodate my mother.
And it was killing me. Physically, emotionally and financially draining me.
I felt I couldn’t go on living this way. But I didn’t know how to get out of it.
The situation made me feel as though my children would be better off without me considering that I saw myself as just my mother’s puppet.
And I didn’t ever want to put any of my children through what she had done to me.
It Got Worse….
I responded by letting my mother know that this would not go on. I would no longer be hosting two separate parties simply because she refused to be civil.
I soon found out that my brother had completely forgotten about the baptism, even though he was supposed to be the baby’s Godfather. And he wasn’t sure if he could get time off work.
On top of these extreme situations causing a roller coaster of emotions, just 24-hours before my baby’s special day, his godmother-to-be let me know that she wouldn’t be able to make it.
One of her employees had called in sick and she couldn’t let the shop run on only two staff members even for an hour as it would have been overwhelmingly busy.
It hit me hard because she knew what a dark place I was already in over the circumstances with my mother. And this was heartbreaking to hear- but admittedly it wasn’t as bad as hearing my own mother not wanting to be there.
I was on edge. I couldn’t focus on anything.
What was I supposed to do?
I felt so alone. But more than that, deeply unloved.
I couldn’t cancel the event. I had booked a private time at the church so that one of my little ones with special needs wouldn’t disrupt anyone else’s baptism…
It had to go on. I had to go on.
I couldn’t stop being myself and doing what was in my heart simply because of the situations around me. No matter how badly I just wanted to give up.
Arriving at the church my exterior appearance was a true reflection of how broken I was on the inside.
My clothes didn’t fit properly. I had no time to buy something suitable for myself, nor did I have the motivation to care for my body over the last eight months to exercise enough to fit in to the items already in my wardrobe.
I had attempted to do my own hair and failed. My nails were all bare and uneven. My makeup resembled that of a drag queen… I had overcompensated to try and mask the devastation I felt inside.
And there she was.
As we parked the car.
My mother had decided that the occasion was worth attending.
Fighting back the tears was unbelievably difficult. I was completely overwhelmed.
And to think I would have missed all of this.
If I had bailed on life. If I hadn’t kept going. If I didn’t continue believing that everything always works out.
I would have lost out on it all.
Sure, it wasn’t the most perfect of situations. My mother and brother chose not to join the rest of the family for lunch afterwards.
But they were there for the baby for the ceremony, and that’s what matters most.
Of course, my mind is wondering if this means I now have to go back on my word and start hosting two parties again just to accommodate my mother, but I’m choosing to take each day as it comes.
Take life one day at a time.
You never know what tomorrow may bring.
Life only ever keeps getting better. No matter what obstacles you face. It is all completely worth it. Just don’t give up on yourself and the power you hold within to stay strong no matter how hard it feels.
If you need support please contact Lifeline 13 11 14.
What kind of relationship do/did you have with your mum? Tell us in the comments below.