Hello!

My husband has offered numerous times to have a vasectomy. But not all partners are that willing or supportive. One mum has shared that her hubby has refused to have ‘the snip’ for the appalling reason that he’s not getting enough sex.

The desperate mum has revealed her story to mumsnet readers, saying that she has had numerous pregnancies, an abortion and miscarriages and doesn’t want to go through any additional trauma associated with unplanned pregnancies. Her husband doesn’t want any more children but is still refusing to have a vasectomy.

The mum of two shared that she is currently pregnant (unplanned) but her husband is pressuring her to have a termination due to their financial situation.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

The mum said that she can’t cope with the guilt and loss of any more unwanted pregnancies and has implored her husband to have the procedure.

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“Am I being unreasonable to have asked my DH to consider ‘the snip’? I am a few weeks pregnant,” she wrote in her post.

“We have decided that I will have a medical abortion because our finances and lives have become less stable recently, we have 2DC already and this was unplanned,” she continued.

“I feel very sad about it. DH is 100percent sure he doesn’t want this pregnancy or any more children.”

“In addition to our 2DC, I had three other early pregnancies which ended in MC while trying for DC2,” she added.

“My DH and I got together as teenagers at school. When I was a sixth former I has a late on termination, I didn’t know I was pregnant because I had the implant contraceptive.”

She shared how traumatic this experience was and how she had suffered much “guilt and sadness over it”.

“I Don’t Get Enough Sex”

“So now I have asked DH to consider having a vasectomy and to research into it. I couldn’t bare to go through this again. I am in my 30s now and still think back to my first pregnancy with lots of emotion.

“His reply was ‘I don’t get enough sex to even think about having a vasectomy’.”

“In my mind, I have born two babies, lost three, soon to have aborted two (I feel like the worst human being writing that), and taken contraception for years on and off. I’ve had enough sex (with him) to go through all of this.”

It’s His Turn To Take Responsibility

“Surely it’s enough. It’s his turn to take responsibility for this – my mental health can’t survive another positive pregnancy test and I could have years before menopause.

“Even if he doesn’t want to have the procedure, his words were sharp. I feel like I’m on the edge – either of a breakdown or of LTB!”

Debate

The comments on her post were divided. Many criticised the husband for coercing the mum into having a termination, which she clearly didn’t want. Others said that she shouldn’t be having sex at all if she didn’t want to get pregnant.

“How dare he speak like this and force you to have an abortion. Please do what is best for you, your dcs and your mental health. For me, sex would be permanently off the table,” said one.

“He obviously gets enough sex to get you pregnant, ergo enough sex for a vasectomy. But after a comment like that, he wouldn’t be getting any more! The termination is YOUR choice – your body, not his,” added another.

It’s His Choice Too

Others said that just as it was ultimately the mum’s choice to have the baby or not, it was the dad’s choice to have the vasectomy.

“I think he replied with a d**** answer but it is his body/ his decision. I think that you should really be sure that he is the man you want to be with long term.”

“I’d be walking away from a man who impregnated me and expected me to abort and despite him not wanting any more kids, would still be willing to impregnate me again.”

Do you think this husband’s excuse of ‘not getting enough sex’ is warranted? What advice would you give this mum? Tell us in the comments below.

  • I think there is some relationship worries here that need to be looked at before looking at who’s right or wrong. My husband had the snip after 3, and it was a joint decision.

    Reply

  • This poor woman. I hope she seeks counselling and support for the trauma she’s so obviously exhibiting here. And I would frankly suggest she drag him to counselling and seriously discuss leaving him if he doesn’t start taking some responsibility too.

    Reply

  • I can see where you’re coming from but I don’t think he is worth staying with if he is going to treat you like this. I don’t feel that there is any love in the marriage so I’d just leave him. Don’t have the termination if it’s not what you want. Speak to a councillor and find out what options you have as to living arrangements. Your so called husband is a twat and an a**hole to treat you in this way. I hope things work out for you. Take care

    Reply

  • I was going through a hard time in my marriage and had a miscarriage and didn’t want to go through anymore pregnancy and my ex husband would demand sex and I had trouble with the pill and I asked the doctor to tie my tubes and he said I was too young of course I was furious with the dr and my ex was holding me down having sex and I fell pregnant again I was so upset ended up asking him to have a vasectomy he wouldn’t so I said I would ask the dr to tie my tubes and he said I wasn’t to get it done and I was still having trouble with taking the pill as it didn’t agree with me anyway again the dr said no to me. My marriage was terrible he never helped with the kids or me and I hated him so much as he wouldn’t wear a comdon and I fell pregnant I was at the drs crying begging for a abortion and my mental state was low the dr knew he was raping me so he arranged for me to have the abortion the day I was to go I just couldn’t do it. I told him I was having my tubes tied and he wouldn’t agree but said he would get snipped instead as that was I couldn’t have sex with another man. I stayed with him as I had no family to help me until one day I had enough of him coming home drunk and finally walked and went to a refuge and you have to work out what you want not him you as you have choices it’s your choice to keep the baby your carrying now and don’t bother with a selfish person that he is as your going through this trauma not him and he’s never going to change.

    Reply

  • What a prick! And so disrespectful. He’s putting everything on you. This is not an equal relationship. He should be offering to take this on as you’ve already committed so much to this relationship. I just can’t believe this.

    Reply

  • That’s a totally unfair answer from him. He obviously gets it enough to get you pregnant! However you also can’t force him to get one. There are still other options though so keep looking into it.

    Reply

  • Somehow I think it is about time you stood up to your husband as it sounds as though you are a meek little girl who is trying to please someone who is very hard to please. He really isn’t worth all your effort if he won’t also step up to the mark. If he wants more sex tell him that once he has a vasectomy he can have it daily or even twice a day – watch him squirm then. I do feel sorry for you, but one of you has to be the adult in this relationship and it doesn’t appear from your post that he will be one any time soon. Good luck!

    Reply

  • The abortion makes no sense.. its a natural by-product of what happened and surely children are not THAT difficult to look after financially (speaking as a mother myself and being someone who is very frugal and in debt) also, is that HIS decision? this abortion?? because it sounds like it is, there’s no harm in getting your tubes tied but also his response is completely unacceptable.

    Reply

  • For me I made the final decision after the fourth pregnancy and three wonderful children and a miscarriage. My Gynaecologist was happy for me to be clamped and have no more Pregnancies. I felt great after the procedure. I feel safe and have no worries. It’s my body and my decision. Maybe you need to do this for yourself too! Taking charge is impowering and let your husband off the hook! Happy days!

    Reply

  • So sad. If he doesn’t want the snip he should be using condoms to prevent pregnancy. As he says he doesn’t get a lot it shouldn’t be that inconvenient. His argument is totally ridiculous as it only takes once to make a baby if you are (un)lucky.

    Reply

  • What a very sad situation. Me personally, I would have my tubes tied if I didn’t want anymore children and my husband didn’t want to get the “snip” and if he doesn’t get enough sex then I would make sure he certainly didn’t get it when i was ovulating and use every preventional method available.

    Reply

  • I think both decisions need to be considered by both parties. You can say the whole it’s your body it’s your choice but then it’s on the woman with the additional child. There are many other contraceptive options although if he doesn’t want anymore children and wants to leave it all up to her to prevent/stop this maybe he should accept there won’t be sex. She is probably also depressed about it all, sounds to me like he doesn’t respect her.

    Reply

  • He is being ridiculously selfish and with all the pregnancies it certainly sounds like a lot of sex. I personally don’t get the abortion thing though. If 2 people are together in a relationship they should make it work. There’s people who can help them and they both made the baby happen- there are many precautions available today.

    Reply

  • Tricky spot. Both parties need to be considered here and what’s best. No easy answer

    Reply

  • A very childish answer and attitude! But, when all said and done, one of them needs to take responsibility for birth control and he doesn’t sound grown up enough to do it!

    Reply

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