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After almost two decades with her husband, this Mouths of Mums member feels lost and lonely, and has reached out for advice after getting close to someone at work.

The mum-of-two says she and her husband are in their early 40s, have been together for 18 years, and admits their sex life has never been ‘great’.

“He suffers from ‘performance anxiety’ which has never helped things,” she explained in the Mouths of Mums Forum.

“And he isn’t overly emotional. He even needed to take Viagra to help him perform when we were ttc #2. We haven’t been intimate in ANY WAY in well over two years, though I am pretty sure it’s been longer than that. I think he has given me one passionate (barely) kiss during that time.

“I have never really felt connected with him during intimacy. But, I think that has a lot to do with his lack of confidence and well, seemingly lack of experience. I think my ex might have put the bar a little high ???? I have brought up our lack of intimacy and he casually said he didn’t think it was a problem. I told him my feelings. That resulted with him buying a box of Viagra which has sat in his drawer for more than a year. He doesn’t even make an attempt to give me any kind of intimacy.

“Over the time we have been together, he has gained more and more weight and I just have no attraction to him.”

“I just feel sad and empty. We should have a great sex life! But, it just feels like we’re house mates that sleep in the same bed. About October-September of last year I told him I wanted him to organise a romantic date night for us. His initial response was to ask “Why?!”. Then, after a few words from me, he said yes. I’m still waiting for that date!”

The mum says a new staff member started at her work at the start of last year, and they got to chatting. She says at the beginning, it was just general work talk.

“I didn’t realise it initially but, the banter between us got, I suppose you could say a little inappropriate at times. I did realise that we were flirting with each other with our banter.

“I began feeling excited (the butterfly feeling) but, like I was betraying my husband when I knew I would be working with this person. I could feel the tension between myself and my co-worker whenever we worked together. I know I enjoyed the attention. I am sure the feeling was mutual.

“There was one day I was venting to this same co-worker about my husband when he asked why don’t I just leave him. I said I can’t, it’s just not that easy. It was about a week after this when he told me he requested to be transferred elsewhere. He told me he’d had a meeting with head office and explained what was going on (he had some personal issues at the time). I thought he was talking about his issues.

“A couple of days later, one staff member, followed by another said he had left because he ‘liked’ someone in the workplace. I miss the banter with him (my husband just doesn’t have the devilish humour I have).

“I don’t know exactly what I am after with this post. I guess I just feel lost, stuck and lonely. And, after other people’s thoughts.”

Do you have some advice for this Mouths of Mums member? You can leave it in the comments below, or head to the Forum

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  • Don’t go there! As unhappy or unfulfilled you’re feeling don’t have an affair. Have the decency to speak with your partner, let him know how you’re feeling. It might be fixable it might come to an end. Either way, an affair is low

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  • This is not a marriage. I hope it’s sorted out as she must be very lonely and crave some sort of intimacy.

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  • This is a really sad situation. I hope this couple were able to get some couple counselling to at least be able to ‘hear’ each other.

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  • Maybe try and get to the bottom of his intimacy problems. If he’s a good husband other than that, might pay to work at saving your marriage

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  • Big chats needed which can be hard. Everyone has needs and if he can’t provide then something needs to be done.

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  • You both need to sit down and talk. You need to address all your feelings and what you want more from the marriage. He also needs to be open as to when he lacks the intimacy maybe he might have early depression. If you have kids that is taking away time as a couple, find ways to find alone time and try to date each other again and find that love you had when you first met


    • Excellent answer. I totally agree with your advice.

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  • You felt like you were betraying your husband because you were. You were having an emotional affair and comparing him to exes. How will that not kill his confidence?
    Get some personal counselling for your issues and talk to your husband girl!
    *A moment of appreciation for coworker doing the honourable thing*

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  • You have a serious problem, but you need to address it with your husband.


    • I agree; problems fester if not addressed.

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  • I think you both need to sit down and talk to him again. Tell him you are unhappy and suggest that maybe he talks to someone.
    You need to be happy and in a relationship that makes you happy

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  • I think you need to make a decision. If you’re really unhappy, leave. You can’t stay in a marriage and try to find happiness with someone else.

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  • When I read your story I understand you feel lonely and stuck. Whilst you crave intimacy, your husband who had always problems to perform only started to become more withdrawn and lost his confidence. I can imagine your husband feels insecure with his inability to perform as for many men this is important and him being insecure about this is only understandable. Personally I would focus on other ways to connect with him. I think open communication about both your feelings is important and would help and support with this when you’re stuck in this.

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  • Always deal with the immediate situation and immediate and current relationship before complicating the situation. Seek out supports and engage in open communication and work on achieving outcomes.

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  • I do think you need to communicate more openly with your husband. I understand he no longer ‘turns you on’ so to speak, but somehow I get the impression that he has no idea what you want or how you are feeling. It wouldn’t be fair to just suddenly walk out under those circumstances. If you can talk things through then you might find you have a different outcome than what you are currently experiencing. You don’t mention children, so at least there won’t be any explaining there. As for your new workmate who has been transferred – I feel he has been very honourable in his dealings with you and has done the right thing by everybody until the situation gets sorted out.

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  • He sounded mature and respectful that once you indicated you wouldn’t leave him, he ceased to entertain something that could’ve made things worse professionally and personally. He did right by you and himself. If you want to leave, leave, otherwise it may not have a good ending

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  • I think this man did the right thing. You have to sort your marriage before you can even think about starting a new relationship.


    • I’d be pushing for that date with the husband to get this sorted once and for all. As him what he wants to do, lets put this in place now, book the tickets, chooses the venue etc and make it a regular thing.

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  • Really wishing the best here. I replied to the post, but ultimately she’ll know in her heart what to do. Sometimes you need to write your feelings out for the solution to be clear.

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  • Sounds like he doesnt want to make any effort. So sorry you are going thru this. I hope it works out for you.

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  • It sounds like you are going through an incredibly difficult and lonely time. Your feelings of disconnection and sadness are valid, and it’s understandable to crave the spark and attention you’re missing in your marriage. It takes courage to reach out like this, and you deserve support.

    Perhaps consider seeking counselling, both individually and as a couple if your husband is open to it. A therapist could help you both explore the roots of your challenges and build healthier ways to communicate about your emotional and physical needs.

    Reply

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