'I Want My Mum At My Baby's Birth, But My Partner Won't Allow It'

An expecting-mum is desperate to have her mum by her side as she gives birth for the first time – but her partner says it will ‘ruin’ the birth.

The 23-year-old mum-to-be says she and her mum have a very close relationship, and she wants her support as she welcomes her first child into the world.

“I lived just with her until I was 19 and moved out and she moved abroad to Australia,” the expecting mum explained on reddit. “Due to Covid I haven’t seen my mum in years and she’s flying in tomorrow, for a month to support me through the birth and meet her first grandbaby.”

The woman, who is 38-weeks pregnant, is planning a homebirth, and says the fact she wants her mum there has been a point of contention throughout her pregnancy.

“After our last discussion a couple of weeks ago I thought he understood why I wanted my mum there. Tonight we’ve had another argument about it, triggered by the fact that his whole family have Covid at the moment and so won’t be able to come around for a couple of weeks so in his eyes he has no support system whilst I have everyone I want.”

‘I’m worried about how he’ll react to the gore’

She says while the birth will be attended by two qualified midwives, she wants her mum present as a birthing support.

“My main reasons for wanting her there: she’s been through it before and I want a woman’s support who has experienced childbirth (if not my mum I would want my aunt or nan). I want someone there who’s only job is to support me to allow my partner to enjoy the birth of our first baby. My partner and I had only been together a few months when I fell pregnant, and have only just hit a year together.

“Although I love him I don’t know how helpful he will actually be when I’m in pain (I haven’t told him this so as not to hurt his feelings). My mum is also a fully trained midwife and having her there is like a security blanket in case anything goes wrong. My partner does not have much knowledge about childbirth/biology and I’m worried how he will react to the gore.”

The woman says her partner just wants it to be their ‘special moment’, with only him in the room, because he says “he should be enough support for me. He doesn’t want my mum taking his place and pushing him out of the way.

“I suggested that my mum be there through labour but leave during the ‘pushing’ so that it will be just us when baby is actually born but he said it would still ruin it for him. I don’t want him to feel excluded from what will be a very special time for both of us but I also feel like as the one giving birth I have a right to have as much support as I feel I need.”

What do you think this expecting mum should do? Was your mum at the birth of any of your children? Let us know in the comments below.

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29 Comments

- - Zmijka86 said
  - 07 May 2022
    8:26 am
If that will help her then why not. Personally I choosed only my husband to be with me.

- - mom485054 said
  - 01 Apr 2022
    2:27 pm
I’m not sure why everyone is being so harsh on the partner here. They both seem to have legitimate points. I hadn’t planned on having my mum around for my first but the birth ending up getting very complicated and she stuck around as my labour went over several days, and both my partner and I were exhausted. She was there to support both my husband and I during that time and the moment our daughter was born and everything seemed okay, my mom slipped out of the room and didn’t come back in for at least 1/2 hour after my husband and I had alone time with the baby. It was the perfect solution. Given this is a home birth the mom can do the same thing. Just hover around and be available during the rough parts and then step out as soon as baby is born to allow for some special bonding time. All this needs is a bit of open and clear communication between all three parties.

- - Lovesthecuddles said
  - 29 Mar 2022
    5:22 pm
I think if you want your mumthere for support then she should be there but I think you need to set some boundaries so your partners feels comfortable with her there and she knows where she is welcome and when to step back.

- - mom461384 said
  - 28 Mar 2022
    3:06 pm
If you want Mum there she should be there regardless. But Mum also needs to know parents boundaries. Grandparents can overstep the line

- - Lividanke said
  - 28 Mar 2022
    12:37 pm
I think you really need to sit down and try and calmly explain to your partner why it’s so important for you to have your Mum there.
If she’s a midwife then she’ll know what she’s doing and will be able to help take breaks with hubby. Labour can go on for a long time (as my hubby found out) so having someone there for you while hubby gets a bite to eat or even goes to the toilet would be helpful.

- - ~Loui~ said
  - 27 Mar 2022
    12:44 am
If this couple can’t agree on this point, they will both find it even more difficult to navigate parenthood together. I hope they both get the support that they need.

- - Forgetful Mumma said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    5:07 pm
I totally see it from his point of view. He is feeling like he is getting sidelined at the most important time in his life. I would never consider doing that to my husband. He was the perfect support and still enjoyed the birth of our children. My first labour had a lot of complications and he was there through it all.

I think maybe compromise. If it’s a home birth, have the door open so your mum can still be a part of it (but not in the same room), or so she can step in if it’s too much for your partner. I get that you want the support from your mum, but I’m not sure what someone who has given birth before has to do with it honestly (especially when no two birthing experiences are the same and it’s been so long for your mum, nan and aunt).

It sounds to me like you just don’t want the baby’s daddy there at all.

I go totally against the “norm” in the belief that it’s not all about me! I make sure my husband is taken care of also, I remind him to use the bathroom and to eat and drink. I tell him to sit down and rest. We support each other in the delivery room

- - sars_angelchik said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    4:23 pm
It should be her decision. It’s her birth plan. As long as they’re both allowed in the room if it’s what she wants she should get it.

- - mom223151 said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    4:16 pm
He is just been a stubborn, arrogant and self-centred male as I see it. It’s for support only. She is very close to her mother so I feel it’s natural she wants her around during birthing time. He needs to consider her needs, as she is the one giving birth not him.

- - mom101628 said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    4:14 pm
So different these days – men were never allowed into the birth room once.

- - mom111059 said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    1:21 pm
If she wants her Mum, then let her have her Mum. He is being very inconsiderate to her feelings.

- - romvar said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    12:04 pm
1. She wants her mother there. 2. Her mother is a midwife. 3. She is the one who is having the baby. Her husband is not very understanding.

- - mom323673 said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    11:44 am
Yeah its both their child but it ain’t coming out of him and he has no idea what she has, is and will go through! If she needs her mother, she needs her mother! Period!

- - rovermum said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    9:24 am
I do understand her reasons so I think she needs to calmly communicate these to her partner.

- - cassy26 said
  - 24 Mar 2022
    9:23 am
I honestly cant see what the issue is, there will be two other midwives there anyway – what’s one more ( even if she’s your mum?) Giving birth is hard work and if having your mum makes you more comfortable than have her there. Your partner will probably change his tune when you are in labour anyway – he may actually welcome the support…