Hello!

70 Comments

I’m a single mum. What’s that? No, the kids don’t see much of their dad. But don’t let that influence your opinion of him. As a matter of fact, we don’t even know who he is. But that doesn’t matter.

What matters is that he is a kind, unselfish, thoughtful man.

How do I know that? Because he made it possible for me to have a family.

A life’s ambition

I always wanted to be a mother. I took it for granted that I would be married with kids one day; or at least, with kids. I had to have children. It was what I was here to do.

So when my thirtieth birthday arrived, still childless, I was a little disconcerted. True, I had not really wanted kids before then. I was having too much fun. Yes, if one had come along I would have been overjoyed, but I was glad to be free to live my life selfishly.

Not anymore.

Reasoning and reckoning

I’d intended to have my children by the age of 35 and I always wanted children. Not a child. I wanted the noisy, loving chaos of a big family, just as I had growing up as one of five. As a single parent, I knew that my children would need family connections to fulfil their sense of belonging, and what better connection to start with than a brother or sister?

It was time to act.



The options

Becoming a single mother in Australia is not impossible if you are fertile and have a couple of thousand dollars lying around. The regulations are different from state to state and even clinic to clinic. Some clinics still discriminate against single parents. Mine did not.

If you need help with fertility or finance, the story is not so sunny. IVF treatments will leave you around $8,000 out of pocket, depending on your insurance, and that’s for just one attempt (most people need several).

Adoption is even more problematic. If you’re single, it’s nearly impossible in Australia. There are just too many couples seeking and not enough babies to go around.

International adoption will set you back easily $20,000, and take months if not years. Also, you wouldn’t go home with a newborn.

My process

I had blood tests and scans. I only had one ovary (the other was removed during surgery to remove a massive cyst in my early twenties). My fertility specialist wasn’t concerned. I had as good a chance as anyone, she told me, about 15%. What? I thought in horror. OK, stay positive. “If you don’t conceive after four tries, we’ll look at IVF,” she continued. Well, that’s not going to happen, I thought, picturing my bank account.

I attended a counselling session. “Have you thought this through, do you have good support networks, will you cope when your teenage child says, ‘you’re so hopeless you couldn’t even get a man! I want to find my father and live with him! Blah, blah, teen angst!’” Yes, I replied. I am sure I will cop it. But then, I was an impossible teen myself, isn’t karma sweet?

When all the formalities were complete, my name went onto a waiting list and I went on with my life.

The miracle

Seven months later I got an email. Three donors were ready to go, I could choose. With great excitement my family and I poured over three A4, bullet-pointed sheets; age, height, weight, ethnicity, colouring, health, profession, education and a reason for donating: “To carry on my DNA,” read one entry. “To help someone to have a family,” read the winner. This one had excellent health and my mind was made up. On with the show!

Daily blood tests followed. When follicles were about to burst forth with eggs, I went into the clinic, lay down on the bed and, as a friend of mine elegantly put it, the nurse came in with the turkey baster. Then I lay there staring at the ceiling for fifteen minutes before hopping down and heading back to work.

Two interminable weeks of waiting followed. I glumly confessed to my sister that I didn’t think it had worked. I experienced spotting and was certain my period was on its way.

Except it wasn’t. By some miracle, against all the odds, I was pregnant with my first child, my now-three year old daughter.

Everyone was amazed when they heard I had conceived on my very first try. The stunned silence on the end of the phone when I first told my mother the news was hilarious. It didn’t take her long to jump on the expectant-granny bandwagon, though.

Open Book

Once my daughter was born, I advised the clinic for their records. They also agreed to hold some sperm for me if I wanted subsequent children, which I did. I got hold of the official Donor Registry documents so that I could add my daughter’s name in, for other related parties to see. That way, if the father or any other of his biological offspring wanted to find out about her existence, they could.

I have not yet put her name (or her brother’s name) into this register. I’ve decided to wait until they are older. At the age of 16, they can decide for themselves. If they are like me, they will want to know everything they can about their origins, so I hope for their sake that the father, that kind, altruistic gentleman, has added some details for them. That is the only legal way my children will ever know their father.

It’s a big step to take on your own. But I know my children will be confident enough to live in this new world of unique family types. We will build our normal together.

Has anyone else been through this and like to share your experience? Please share in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
  • I’m glad your dream became true for you

    Reply

  • Interesting article about parenthood, and different journeys to get there

    Reply

  • Lovely story, so interesting to hear how this can be achieved.

    Reply

  • This is a brave decision – and I mean “brave I respect it” not “brave you shouldn’t have done that”. It’s hard enough parenting with a partner – solo would be so much harder.

    Reply

  • This is a wonderful journey!
    I have respect for anyone that chooses to be a single parent and going through each one of these stages cannot be easy.
    Amazing strength!

    Reply

  • Great story to share. I believe families these days are so different and come from all sorts of backgrounds – and all are valid and equal. IVF used to be ‘unusual’ now most people don’t even think twice about it. I hope being a single parent by choice is the same.

    Good on you for having your kids and now having the life you’ve dreamt of. I couldn’t imagine not being a mum – and I’d do whatever it took to make that happen.

    I think it’s important tho to point out that falling pregnant thru IUI or IVF on a first go is actually incredibly rare. Most take multiple attempts. And sadly some can’t conceive even after many many attempts. Just to keep it real as the cost financially, emotionally and mentally of IVF or IUI is more than most people know. And a lot of people expect it will happen from a first or second attempt max.

    Otherwise we’ll done to you and congrats on your family.

    Reply

  • Good on you for sharing !
    My kids (a girl and twin boys) all came to me via donor eggs and donor sperm. I was with a partner but he was controlling, abusive and a class A gas lighter , so I made the decision that it was better to raise my kids solo in a loving safe home, than stay with someone who stole my money, faith and self respect. It is really hard , (i have no family in this country) but I am living my life not his now, and my kids drive me crazy while being the best thing in my life. They are 4 and six and know that 2 very special people helped mummy make them. My donors were overseas, as it was quicker for me than finding a donor here (where there is a shortage! True!) and as i was in my 40s approaching menopause it was now or never.

    Reply

  • We went through 3 rounds of IVF before they stopped me as they said I was going through early menopause at the age of 25. I fell pregnant naturally 12 months later which shocked us. I’m so glad that you now have the children you wanted. They are precious no matter how we end up with our children and I wouldn’t have it any other way

    Reply

  • I appreciate your sharing

    Reply

  • It’s interesting to read how other’s start their families.

    Reply

  • No, I haven’t been through such experience

    Reply

  • Thanks for sharing, a lovely story

    Reply

  • It’s a great story and I think this woman is so wonderful l only wish more women thought like her . l am a single mother not by choice but it never bother me in any way my daughter who is Eight now never asks who or where her father is as soon as I got pregnant he was gone and I never thought in anyway to keep my child or not . And l would never regret in anyway keeping her as she is my Everything . if and when she wants to know anything about her father l will tell her his name and l would never try and stop her from trying to find him if she wanted to find him

    Reply

  • This so lovely story. She is so brave.

    Reply

  • Good on her

    Reply

Post a comment
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

Please enter your comment below
Would you like to include a photo?
No picture uploaded yet.
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.
Your MoM account


Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your comment and join MoM:

You May Like

Loading…

Looks like this may be blocked by you browser or content filtering.

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join