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The thought of having a baby is an exciting and daunting experience rolled into one. You are so excited to meet this little person and become a mother, but you have no idea what it will really be like and what your life is going to resemble after the birth.

So much is changing in your life it is so tempting to spend all your time talking about the changes, your excitement, your plans, your worries and your expectations.

From this day on you will encounter an army of women (and some men) who will see it as their duty to give you advice on every aspect of your life, current and future. Although this is well-meaning in the main, each of us is different and each of our children are different. What worked for you may not work for me, and what you believe may not be in line with my values.

Here are some examples of advice that I have been given throughout the years:

1) Push through the pain and keep breastfeeding

I remember a health professional giving me this advice with my first daughter.

I was in extreme pain; I hadn’t mastered the correct latching technique and as such was inadvertently causing myself problems. I was filled with dread before each feed and the first 2 minutes were excruciating.

Some mothers simply cannot breastfeed. For whatever reason – low supply, failure to thrive baby, painful feeding, tongue-tied baby. Giving advice that they should continue to attempt to breastfeed at all costs is not helpful. We all know “breast is best” for the majority, but it may not be best for us in the situation that we are in.

Don’t end up failing to bond with your baby or finding yourself suffering from anxiety because others expect you to breastfeed.

2) Do not rock/cuddle/breastfeed your baby to sleep

This was a common one as I fed both my girls to sleep every night for the first 18 months of their lives.

Apparently, I was making a rod for my own back. Teaching them bad habits. Although I was sure I wouldn’t be breastfeeding them to sleep at 15 years old, some people implied that I would have no choice!

To this day, I cuddle my 5 year old and 4 year old to sleep every night. Not because they can not sleep without a cuddle, but because they like it and I like it.

What could be nicer than drifting off to sleep getting a nice warm cuddle and back rub?

I am not looking forward to the day when they tell me that they would rather go to bed on their own. It is quite possibly my favourite 20 minutes of the day.



3) Get your baby into a routine and stick to it

Some of the mothers around me had read books. They had plans. They wanted their babies to sleep at certain times, wake for certain periods and feed at allocated times.

They often expressed or bottle fed to measure the milk intake. When the children moved onto solids, they talked in “cubes”. They had set amounts to feed their children each day.

I took a slightly different approach, which worked for me. I fed when my babies were hungry. They slept when they were tired. They went where I was going and fitted in around what was going on with the rest of the family. They ate however much they ate before they started turning away or spitting it out.

The pressure of a routine would not have worked for me and my approach would not have worked for these other mums. Nobody has it right. Just right for ourselves.

4) Use controlled crying to get more sleep

I am sure it works for some. But it would never work for me. My feelings are that my babies are crying for a reason and I will comfort them.

I still get up anytime my girls call me, even if they just want to tell me that they want to paint the next day.

I know other mums who swear their sanity was saved by using controlled crying or similar methods, and I am genuinely happy for them, as we are all well aware of the impact of severe sleep deprivation.

5) Don’t let your baby/children sleep with you

I understand that some people are concerned about the safety side of this, which is of course valid, but again this is a very personal choice for families to make. I know some families who sleep 5 to a bed and have done so for years. They are all well rested and very happy.

I also know families who will not let it happen and have a well established rule that every one sleeps in their own beds which works well.

I feel like I could have listed two hundred things that people offer you advice and opinion on. At the moment with my children at aged 4 and 5 years old, the hot topic seems to be the debate about starting your child at school as early as possible or as late as possible.

All of these decisions are very personal and in my case, a decision for one child may not even be the same as the decision for the other.

I know that most of the advice and comments that people give and make are intended well and hoping to be of some help, but at a time when you are transitioning through a big change and you are very tired, the best piece of advice I would give you is to ignore all the advice you get.

Through both trial and error and in line with your core beliefs work out what works for you and your family.

What advice did you constantly get when your kids were babies? SHARE in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com

  • Every baby is different, and everyone has their own preferences in how they want to parent, and why. I’m a big believer in each to their own and you don’t have to explain yourself

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  • oh people would tell me to apply talcum powder on his body after a shower and I’d be like – NO the GP has said not till 6 months. it can be dangerous for the baby!!!

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  • This resonates with me so so much! I think some of the worst advocates did things like feeding baby to sleep and co-sleeping are the Maternal Health Nurses. Bub is 7 months old, Fed to sleep almost every sleep, co-sleeps a lot of the time (who seriously wants to function on zero sleep?!!), sleeps when she’s tired and we refuse to have her cry herself to sleep (controlled crying). All of these we’ve been told we are doing the wrong thing…it works for us and our precious little baby is loved and cuddled so very much. The first two years are so important for a babies emotional well-being. We wouldn’t have if any other way.

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  • Yes it is so hard when a first time mum. New crazy hormones and experiences. The “mums of judgement or old-school nurses” baring down on you like they are entitled.
    Believe in yourself and your own formula for what is working. There’s nothing worse than feeling crappy because of judgement. Learn to validate yourself and even laugh off those who WILL be there throughout your journey to advise or judge.
    No ones perfect and it’s all ajourney! Don’t beat yourself up over mistakes or what not. It’s all part of learning, growing as a parent. Then when you have advice for a new mum it will be supportive not judgy. I’m a believer in supporting each other as women and mums. Because everyone needs that. And no one perfect to dish out to another where they feel bad.

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  • I love this article because it is so relevant to everything I was told/read as a new mum. I was told all the same things and my baby has reflux which essentially breaks the ‘rulebook’ on parenting. The way I see it, I will raise my daughter the way I want to raise her and NO ONE can tell me otherwise.

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  • The first advice was to breastfeed my first baby which I was unable to do because of low milk supply, and many people around me were thinking that I was doing it purposely because I dont want to “ruin” my figure.

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  • There’s so much advice given when you’re a new mum. You just have to sift through it and use what works for you

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  • I think it’s always best to go with your gut about what feels right for you and your baby. Different things work for different families.

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  • Sleep when the baby sleeps… Not always possible because there is some things that have to be done when bubs isnt around!


    • Oh so agree with you on this one.

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  • I agree with whatever works!! Everyone copes in different ways. And everyone enjoys different ways of doing things!
    I’m not against advice giving though because sometimes it might actually be helpful. It’s just good not to take every single thing on board

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  • I’m an absolute believer in doing what works for you and your baby and family.
    And also advice is one thing (I don’t know any new mum who hasn’t been given unsolicited advise from all sources!) but what I really struggled with was ‘advise’ that was pushed on me. Basically what I now call “hidden judgement”. Saying things such as ‘definitely don’t rock or feed bub to sleep or they’ll never learn’ or ‘let them cry a bit it’s good for them’. My biggest frustration was being told to sleep when baby sleeps – but then got comments about how disorganised my house looked and how I should have lots of time on my hands when bub was asleep!!!!!!!
    Those comments or ‘advice’ in particular really irked me and came from someone not actually trying to help but was more a statement and judgement.
    Motherhood is so mixed of emotions, hormones, excitement, down days, the unknown and of course sleep deprivation.

    I believe mums all always want the best and do the best they feel they can for their babies. Advise can be taken or just say thanks and brush it off if it doesn’t suit you, but that real judgy or imposing “so called advice” was what really got to me in the early days. It killed my confidence and made me feel a failure. I learnt to stand up for myself eventually but I wish people wouldn’t add that extra to new mums during an already exciting, anxious, raw time of having a newborn.

    Each to their own, and what works for one won’t work for another. Support the new mum and be there to help and I’m sure when supported, then a new mum will ask for ideas or advice when needed rather than having so many tips or ideas thrown at her.

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  • I have an 8 week old who sleeps on me. Every time my mother or my mother in law get the chance they tell me i must put her down. Wow great advice. She wakes up after a few seconds and in my opinion. She needs me. She is only so little and needs her mummys comfort. Why are people so quick to break their beautiful connections??

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  • I believe that Mums should do whatever they feel is best for them and their baby. There is nothing wrong with education and advice, it just needs to be able to be taken or left. Giving someone advice when they are sleep deprived and not asking for it could even make things worse.

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  • I stuck with number 1, i kept pushing through it, no one forced me, I kept encouraging myself and it finally clicked!

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  • I think some of this is good advice, but at the end of the day you have to do what suits you and your baby best.


    • So true! Do what works for YOU. Everyone has advice they want to give you when you have a baby. But you need to do what works best for you and your family, regardless of what others tell you you should do.

    Reply

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