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its coming up to Bryce’s 5th birthday and i thought i would share this, it is very sad so you might need a tissue for it, i fee like i need to get this out in order to grieve

My child died as a baby, before I really got to know him, or see how his life would of turned out, My son passed away at 23 weeks gestation when I went into unexpected labour, that resulted in a placental abruption, That required me to have 2 blood transfusions at the same time, being on a drip for fluids, also being on an IV to be induced, and having blood thinners going into me all at the same time,

I remember screaming at the surgeons, doctors and nurses to cut me and to get him out though they wouldn’t as his survival rate through delivery was only sitting at 20%, They told Daniel and I that he wouldn’t survive, and that my life look preference, I don’t remember to much of his delivery, I remember looking over at Daniel and being white as a ghost and telling him I didn’t want to do this anymore and that I was tired and just wanted to sleep, I remember Daniel telling me I had to stay awake and that sadly I had to do it, the next thing I know it’s dark though I can hear the doctors, Nurses, Surgeons and Daniel all telling me to stay awake and to breath…. After that I don’t remember what happened, just that next thing I know I am gasping for breath and I look over at Daniel and he is crying, I don’t think I have ever seen a male with so many tears streaming down their face, though not long after all that happened, the nurse put the Doppler on my belly and his heartbeat was no longer there, and he had stopped moving, my little boy was gone, he had passed away, 30 mins later he was born, he was stillborn

Little Bryce was born on Wednesday 23rd April 2008 at 3:45pm, weighing 595g and was 29cm long, He looked so peaceful,

The Nurses asked me if I wanted to hold him or dress and bath him, though I couldn’t look or touch him, I couldn’t stand the sight of Bryce, the nurses took him away to bath him and to dress him, and to get him ready for whatever had to happen next, I don’t think there as a dry eye in the room, even the doctors and nurses where crying, it was a hard day for everyone, especially Daniel and I, as our whole world had just been torn apart, we had both just gotten used to the idea that we were going to be parents, Still to this day I hate myself for not being able to bath him or to dress him, I don’t know if it was because I was in shock or because I couldn’t stand the sight of him, knowing that my body had failed though I do remember when I held him for the first time my heart just shattered into a million pieces and that day a part of me had died

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Posted by heartness1, 19th April 2013