My Gran gave me the bst advice for life ever…. Start as you mean to go on. In every situation you need to decided if this is how you want things to be and if its not and its something that can be changed then you need to set the rules straight away rather then allow the unacceptable to become accepted by others. Sadly you cant go back in time so now you have a harder road to hoe. I find it very sad that your husband has not stood up and told his father that he will not tolerate him speaking to you in that manner. He should be banned from your property until he apologises and then if he starts again he is to leave straight away. 100% unacceptable.

I agree with the last comment…if your husband isn’t standing up for you I’d take the kids and leave. None of you deserve that

I would be making it clear to the husband that this is not acceptable. If the husband cant stand up for his wife in this situation what does it say about him allowing this to happen.?

I can’t imagine what that would be like but I am not one to stand for something like that. If my hubby wont say something I most certainly will and if I don’t becuase it would cause too much drama then I would make it VERY clear to my children that is not acceptable and to learn from his nastiness not to do something like that, if they question why I would teach them that sometimes it is better to not say anything to keep the peace and hold your head up high knowing you have done the right thing.

You are important and you have the right to tell that person it’s not okay whether they’ve been drinking or not. The fact that hubby isn’t stopping it, concerns me that he believes this to be normal behaviour. If it doesn’t sit well with you, say something.

Why do you need to be a working provider to be able to tell him to leave? I think you are doing the more important and harder job of being the parent at home. So you have as much right to be able to say something to your father in law.

I’d tell my husband that I will cook the meal for everyone and then as soon as my FIL got abusive I’d take the kids and let my husband know I’ll be back as soon as his father has left. This is our home not his father’s and we don’t deserve to be treated that way. I was very lucky to have parents, step-parents and in-laws who were never drunk around us. If my late husband had too much to drink he became very lovey-dovey and wanted to kiss and cuddle all the time. He was never abusive either physically or verbally. Hope you can get things sorted for your children’s benefit and your own.

We are estranged from my husband’s family. He is an abusive alcoholic who used to beat his wife whilst my hubby and his brother hid under the bed. His behaviour deteriorated as 3 more children were added to the family. Alcohol was not the excuse. He is an abusive man. But he would be more abusive with alcohol. After an accident left him incapacitated, his abuse turned from physical to emotional, financial, etc. He still held the power. He no longer has power over us. We were sick of hearing “you know what he’s like” which always excused his hideous behaviour. We have decided that our son (his grandson) does not need to be exposed to the violence, the abuse, the manipulation. And we have never been happier. Yes, we know what he’s like and we choose not to be part of his life.

There’s no excuse for being an arsehole. Why can people not treat others how they would want to be treated! I would be letting him know that he isnt welcome at events unless he can attend without the alcohol and the attitude!

I think sometimes we can see the real people when they drunk.

Yourhusband is the coward here. He needs to address this issue with his father, privately. If he won’t then do what I did, refuse them access to yourself and your kids, especially the father. You don’t have to deal with his petty shit, and it is your duty as a mother to protect your kids, even relatives who won’t behave in a reasonable manner. How would he like if someone went to his home and behaved like that??????? Being a grandparent doesn’t give you the right to do what you feel like in front of them. Teach your kids to stand up to abusers, not cover for them

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  • • Lovesthecuddles replied
    • 08 Jan 2021 , 9:40 pm

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  I agree and if he knows he is like that when he drinks maybe he should monitor himself or not drink at all at functions/celebrations. I would not invite them to events.

I don’t think “I was drunk” is an acceptable excuse for any kind of bad behaviour, really. Not ever, unless maybe you’re a teenager trying alcohol for the first time.

Sounds like you are a stay at home mum – Who says that you are not a working provider – without you doing what you do to keep your household clean, your children and husband organised and fed, then your household would fall over very fast. Stop putting yourself down FIRST an FOREMOST. Now tell your husband that unless his father behaves next Christmas, he is not welcome at your home.
Your children and your husband are your first priorities and you must let them know that and then the other problems will solve themselves. I have been in your position and I did put my foot down and eventually my FIL and I were on very good terms but it took a few years and I had to hold on fast to my reasons of why I would not accept his put down.
Do hope it will work out for you in the long term as it did finally for me.

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  • • Ellen replied
    • 07 Jan 2021 , 9:33 am

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  I’m glad it worked out for you mum101628 !

I sympathise with your situation so much and I need to let you know that it’s not acceptable in any way.

I have been in the situation of having an abusive family member and I know how painful and damaging it is.

There is obviously greater complexity in this then can be explained in a brief article. I will nevertheless do my best to help.

I sometimes think that we take abuse from family members, that we would never allow from our closest friends. I have definitely been in that boat and so I understand your situation. I understand that it can be very difficult to ask a family member to leave, and that even if they do you leave that does not mean that the behaviour will not occur again.

The thing that struck me about your article with how you said you didn’t have a standing because you were not a working provider. My opinion is that you are an equal partner in your relationship and you do have a job, a very valuable job, looking after your family.

Whether you work 9-to-5 or not, you have a right for this abusive behaviour to stop.

Economic factors should not be a part of this.

Your father-in-law’s drinking is also no excuse for that behaviour. Never any of the other excuses that you mention. They can be mitigating factors but they shouldn’t be excuses, and like the welcome for those excuses has well and truly been worn out.

I know it’s a difficult situation but I’d recommend speaking with your husband and working out a way to tackle this together, it is best to present a united front and to put some firm boundaries on your father-in-law.

If that can’t occur then you have every right to stop the behaviour yourself. You should not have to put up with it and neither should your children.

I would recommend speaking to a counsellor who can offer valuable insight. You could see the counsellor individually or as a couple, or even both.

I’d like to wish you the best of luck and thank you for sharing your story.

All the very best.

There is never an excuse for abuse. Never.