A father-of-five says he doesn’t think being a stay-at-home mum is that hard, and the reason his wife is finding it difficult is because she’s lazy.

But before you judge this dad, you may want to hear what he has to say. You see, he’s done the hard yards himself as a stay-at-home dad, so he feels he has perspective when it comes to judging his wife.

The 48-year-old man and his 48-year-old wife have been married since they were 22, and have five children – twins aged 25, a 22-year-old daughter, a 19-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter, who was a surprise.

“For majority of their lives I was the stay at home parent, I cooked, cleaned, attended games, etc,” the dad explained on reddit. “From the moment they came home from the hospital, all up until their mid teens where I deemed them old enough to stay home by themselves.

“Each time after giving birth my wife did not immediately return to work. She did stay at home for about a year so she could recuperate. I, along with hired help watched the children and took care of the house. We come from a very wealthy family, so returning to work has never been troublesome for me.”

Dad and newborn

When the couple had their ‘surprise’ daughter three years ago, the doting dad quit his job to be a stay-at-home parent. But things changed eight months ago when his wife decided she wanted to quit her job and watch their daughter as a stay-at-home mum.

“I was skeptical because she had never done it before, but she’s her mother and assumed she can handle like I did. Well she hasn’t been handling it well at all.

“Personally I think she’s lazy. And I voiced my thoughts.”

“Whenever I come home from work, the bathroom is a mess, there’s no dinner cooked, our daughter is a mess, and my wife is just watching TV. After I tidy up the house, cook dinner, (which I don’t mind, I’ve been doing it for 25+ years) and get ready for bed she complains about how being a SAHM is hard. Personally I think she’s lazy. And I voiced my thoughts.

“She tried to tell me it’s different but I told her it’s not. I was able to watch the twins with little to no difficulty, and all the way up until they were 14. I watched our third and fourth children with no hassle either. I had the house cleaned, the food ready, the kids clean, homework done, went to their games, school meetings etc. I never asked for help, and sucked it up because I was a dad. For her to have so much trouble watching a three-year-old is ridiculous.

“She’s been silent with me since that conversation, but when I came home from work the house was actually clean, food was cooked, and our daughter was clean as well. I’m starting to feel like the a**hole because maybe it’s different for women, but how can raising children be so difficult and different for us.

“I want everyone to understand that I do love my wife. But she has not been able to take care of the house or our daughter. Being a SAHP means taking care of the house and children, and she does neither. My wife claims she’s not depressed, but I can’t allow for this to continue. I’ll have to discuss with her if she would like to return to work, or if she wants for both of us to be SAHP (we have the funds to retire early).

“I feel as if she may reject this, and if she does I will put my foot down and hire help for her. She needs it more than she is willing to admit. Calling her out the way I did may have been harsh and I will apologise for that, but it did seem to have effect since she did take care of the house and our daughter.”

After thinking about the situation, the husband discussed the situation with his wife, asking her why she ‘hasn’t been doing her part’ as a stay-at-home parent.

“We argued back and forth for a while, her saying that she still needs time to adjust, I’m shaming her, it’s different for mothers. I brought up hiring help and she quickly shot this down, becoming irritated that I suggested she needed help taking care of her home and child. It felt like we were going in circles. I eventually cut her off and began to list all the dangers she had been putting out daughter in since becoming a SAHM, explaining how even though I went back to work that I come back and have to clean up after her because she hasn’t done her part, and told her I was sick of this. I apologised for calling her lazy but she then broke down crying.

“My wife admits that being a SAHM was something she didn’t think she’d be good at, but she desperately wanted to be here to raise our daughter because she wasn’t there for our other kids. She said that when I was raising the children I made it seem so easy because everything was neat, and the children were happy, and orderly. I told my wife that it’s not true, you were always with us.

“We got out some picture books and I pointed out all the times she was with us, every trip we took, the games she tried her hardest to attend, taking time off work for holidays, bedtime stories, etc. She may not have been there for everything like I was but me and the children always so her efforts. She even thought our children held resentment towards her but that couldn’t be further than the truth.

“I asked her if she was possibly going through depression but she assures me she’s not, but we decided we should attend couples therapy along with some individual therapy for her. I asked if she enjoyed being with our daughter at home and she admits that being able to spend all this time with her was refreshing and possibly the happiest she’s ever been. She promised that she’ll do her part and keep the house tidy to the best of her ability and will be more careful so that she doesn’t put her in danger anymore.

“We sat down for a while and I gave my wife some ideas she and our daughter can do together while I’m at work (go to the museum, aquarium, a picnic etc. These were things I did with our kids). But I did tell her I was still going to hire someone to help her, she attempted to say no but I shot her down. Being a SAHM is a lot harder for her than she realises. I gave her all the pros that having a help can give her. After a bit my wife was more open to the idea.

“I’m glad we were able to get this out in the open. Im still wondering if I should take some time off work before I hire someone to help my wife, that may possibly be more comfortable for her. I’ll bring this up tomorrow. Im going to plan something with our children this weekend, possibly a barbecue. I want to tell my the children how my wife’s been feeling. I know for a fact they love her, but I bet my wife would feel a lot better to see it come from them.”

What do you think of this situation, and what would you do? Let us know in the comments below.

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  • Funny how lot of people dont read it, just base it on the headline, the dad was home for 4kids and did everything. He is very supportive and tried to have it good for everyone.

    And you need to understand what staying home means, it works for me and I Find it easy with my two.


  • Being a stay at home mum is hard and can drain your energy.


  • I read the full article, and I have to agree with the Dad here. No doubt being a stay at home parent is hard work. I think he did a tremendous job looking after his children and he has a right to voice his views to his wife. I feel he is being supportive, I don’t think he’s being overly critical. He seems to know the next steps and what to do and his wife is lucky to have him as her husband.


  • I only read the headline here and have to say, you most certainly are wrong. Being a stay at home mum is far from easy


  • Being a stay at home mum is like having a job its full on and very hard to get anything done. Yes dude you are wrong.


  • good luck i hope they work things out


  • I think he’s underestimating how tiring being a SAHM con be.


  • Yes he is wrong. Stay at home or go to work Mum. They’re both exhausting!


  • Staying home with the kids full time is very hard sometimes! I think he should have a go


  • I loved being a stay at home mum and still do. There are different factors playing a role – effecting how we perceive it. I don’t think we can make assumptions for another person how to perceive this.


  • I’d like the Dad to try. He’d find it a lot harder than he thinks. It’s a difficult and very important job.


  • Staying home with kids its a hard job and it takes big part of mums life not only social but professional as well.


  • Kudos to the dad for having the conversation, I am transititioning back to work early as I need the break from bub at home (he is going to daycare) and the stimulus from work, having structure for me, helps me plan my day. I have found it tougher than I expected to be a SAHP and the offer of help (even just a cleaner once a week) takes some of the pressure off, I know that once something gets overwhelming, I just tend to avoid everything. Having a walk to the coffee shop and then the park is a geat way for me to reset and feel more compelled to tackle the days tasks, I also have to have no tv days, bub and I have music/podcast time and usually some terrible dance moves.

    Currently in covid iso, so we are all at home together and getting the opportunity to see how each of us parent and try and give each other space to do a few things unattached to the 6 month old, but it is different for everyone, good to keep up the conversations even if it is difficult. I cant wait to go for a long walk outside in the sunshine though.


  • Being a stay at home parent isn’t easy and maybe she’s finding it a little harder than she expected. She’s also older than what he was when he was staying at home too.
    The hubby does sound supportive and has obviously done the whole stay at home thing so knows how tough it can be.
    I hope that they’re able to work things out.


  • I think he’s being very supportive and his wife may actually be going through menopause but it’s not something he should ask her. His wife also needs to do more. She doesn’t have to take the kids anywhere but why not accept home help and then she can slowly cut back on the help as she finds herself getting more used to the idea. I had to go back to work when my kids were little because we didn’t have money. I would get the basics done during the week and on the weekend I could catch up on work around the house. She just needs to accept that it takes time to adjust to this different lifestyle and not feel so defensive.


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