Nothing prepares parents for the death of their baby or the intensity and duration of the grief that follows.

Most parent’s initial response to the death of their baby is one of shock, disbelief and great distress, and they often describe feeling like they are caught in a nightmare from which they cannot wake. It may be difficult for them to comprehend what has happened and impossible to believe that their baby could pass away.

Deb de Wilde is a social worker at Sydney’s Mater Hospital who has an expertise and long experience in caring for families at the time of a baby’s death. She has been looking after bereaved parents for more than 35 years and facilitates a series of unique and ongoing support groups for bereaved parents at Mater Hospital.

In Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, Deb has shared her thoughts for those who find themselves needing to support a bereaved friend or family member during this extremely difficult time.

Many families will initially feel an intense need for privacy as they experience the rawness of their grief. Mothers and fathers may need time to recover from the physical demands of labour and their baby’s birth. While in hospital, they may concentrate their thoughts and feelings on spending precious time with their baby whilst trying to make sense of their baby’s death.

What you can do

Acknowledge the birth of the baby and the significance of his or her death. Sending a card or a message offering your love and support is important. Many families keep cards they received at the time of their baby’s death with other treasured mementos such as photographs, and ink prints of their baby’s hands and feet.

Acknowledge the loss for both parents. Sometimes responses often reinforce outdated and unhelpful societal norms and expectations that place a mother’s grief above that of a father’s. Both need to feel that they can feel and express their emotions and be heard with acceptance, compassion and sensitivity. A simple statement expressing your shock and sorrow at hearing of the baby’s death and your willingness to listen and support when the family are ready can be of great comfort.
Parents will feel unable to ask for help at times, so consider offering specific assistance. Helping with meal preparation, household chores, care of other children, dog walking etc can take pressure off the family when their ability to manage these tasks is limited. Taking responsibility for doing a task over several weeks or longer may make an enormous difference. Coordinating the help of others is also valued. Over time, ask what is helpful and unhelpful.

Gently ask parents about their baby. Many parents appreciate an opportunity to talk about their baby, and to express their love, pride and yearning for him or her. Let them know that you are ready to listen and be with them when they feel the time is right.
Parents may like to share photographs of their baby with you. They may need to talk about the events around the death and birth of their baby on many occasions. This retelling is important to people and helps them absorb the enormity of their baby’s death.

Offer to visit when they are ready. If they decline, let them know you will make contact again. Offer to go out for a walk with them when they feel they are ready. Being near nature, walking or sitting near the ocean or bush can offer a sense of calm and help them reconnect with the world. Sitting with them in silence can offer them a moment of peace.

Parents are often highly sensitive to sensory stimulation and maybe able to manage the company of even the most loved family member or friend for limited periods. Most find shopping centres, coffee shops, their workplace etc overwhelming.

Accept the wide range of emotions. Know that grief is messy, unpredictable, painful and exhausting. Accept where and how they are.

Listen rather than offering advice or recounting stories of another person’s experience. A physical gesture such as a hug, holding their hand or a smile may convey all that you feel but cannot adequately express. Be mindful that telling parents that they are brave or strong may not be helpful. They may feel they have no other choice but to ride the waves of grief as best they can.

Other gestures may be a comfort. Take part in fundraising for a charity of the parent’s choice or donate to a charity in the baby’s name. Plant a tree in memory of their baby. Mindfully try to be kind to other people. Know that days such as the baby’s due date,
parent’s birthdays, Mothers or Father’s Day, and holidays may be especially painful.

Remember the baby’s birthday. Acknowledge that although their baby has died, he or she is unique and loved, and that his or her parents are parents either way.

Reach out to the grandparents. They will be grieving deeply too and doing all they can to support their adult children. They may feel ill equipped to do this and need love, compassion and time as well.

Be patient. Be kind. Be sensitive. Accept that sometimes what ever we say to a person who is hurting, no matter how well intentioned we are, we may not provide comfort or convey our care in the way we hoped. We cannot take other’s pain from them but can be a willing companion on the road, to walk with them through part of their grief, which in itself is a gift and an expression of great love.

The Mater Hospital’s Bereavement Support Groups

Deborah de Wilde and Belinda Power, obstetric social workers at Sydney’s Mater Hospital, offer several support groups for parents who have experienced the death of their baby.

The Bereavement Support Group

The Bereavement Support Group offers support for families who have lost a baby as a result of stillbirth or
death in the newborn period. The mourning that follows the death of a baby is not about forgetting or
‘moving on’ but the difficult process of working through the feelings which accompany the death of the
baby: anxiety, yearning, self-blame, loneliness, anger and resentment, envy and sadness The group offers
a place where parents can feel safe, supported and able to find their unique path through their grief.

Pregnancy After Loss Group

The Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) Group is a unique antenatal support and education group for parents who have previously experienced the death of a baby. The group provides parents an opportunity to meet with others who have also experienced the death of a baby and now face the joy, uncertainty and anxiety of another pregnancy.

Parenting After Loss Group

Following the birth of the babies, the PAL group continues as a parent and baby group, a place for parents to reflect upon their journey to parenthood and to discuss the experience of getting to know and love their ‘new’ baby, while holding close their loving bond with their baby who has died.

The Service of Remembrance, Consolation and Hope

The Service of Remembrance, Consolation and Hope is held on the first Friday in December at St Mary’s Catholic Church, North Sydney. This non-religious service recognises that the approach of the festive season with its emphasis on the family, is a particularly painful and poignant time for those who are living with loss and grief.
All are welcome.

For more information, contact The Mater Hospital maternity unit on (02) 9900 7690 or visit matermaternity.com.au

  • Such an important post, thanks for sharing

    Reply

  • A very informative article. I hope I never have to used these tips tho

    Reply

  • I love that there are support groups for the parents as well as other family members. It is hard enough going through something that awful without people not understanding the grieving process and inadvertently making it worse. People often think that miscarriages in very early pregnancy don’t count but they can often be just as painful. If anything like that happened to a loved one, I would definitely be interested in joining a support group like this.

    Reply

  • I had miscarriage (early) and after it we had big trouble to get pregnant again- each day i really feel low and still think about that unborn child. Few months ago i got tatoo with a little meaning to remember it.

    Reply

  • It is great that people give plenty of support. The problem is that most forget that in some ways you need it a few months later too. They forget about the anniversary of the date you lost your loved one.

    Reply

  • I lost my son at 29 weeks and had to deliver him naturally. There is no way to explain how empty you feel when you don’t hear your baby cry. After his funeral which was a few days after delivering him so many people avoided my husband and I and not many people wanted to acknowledge his existence. Four yrs on and not much has changed. I’ve since had another two children but I always tell people I have three. I will always miss my son but I’ll never others forget about him regardless of how uncomfortable it may be for them.

    Reply

  • Great article and I hope I never need to use any of it. The loss of a child is such a heartbreaking thing to even complainant

    Reply

  • Can’t imagine the pain. Thanks for this article

    Reply

  • A beautiful article that is sensitive and helpful.

    Reply

  • Very emotional to read through. appreciation is key. thanks for sharing this.

    Reply

  • A very sensitive and helpful article. Being there for the heartbroken parents is paramount – whether it be a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen, of just sitting with them and holding their hand/s ….

    Reply

  • I can’t imagine the feelings if losing a child. My sister miscarried her second baby, and it just wasn’t talked about. I visited and had many coffeees with her, cooked, cleaned and helped out with the firstborn. But we never talked about her loss. Was that bad? I just left it to her, if she had raised the subject, but she never did

    Reply

  • Be there and be available because there is no timeline for grief.

    Reply

  • We’ve gone through some (silent) miscarriages and that hard enough to understand for others, let alone the pain after losing a baby after carrying it full term. My neighbour and lovely friend went excited to the hospital to deliver her baby and came back broken when it lost its life. Now 10years after baby’s death her pain is still there especially on it’s birth/death date. I think it’s very important to listen and to be there and offer support indeed. I don’t know if many actually will join a support group, but it’s good they’re there.

    Reply

  • I cant even imagine the pain of a loss, this was very helpful

    Reply

Post a comment
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

Please enter your comment below
Would you like to include a photo?

No picture uploaded yet
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.

Your MoM account

Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your comment and join MoM:

You May Like

Loading…

Looks like this may be blocked by you browser or content filtering.

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join