I want you all to know getting pregnant; it wasn’t always that easy. And when it was it didn’t always feel the way it should.
Getting pregnant for Dave and I had not always been simple.
The first time we tried it took 18 months, I mean sure; We were just “throwing caution to the wind”, as one would say but still 18 months and nothing!
So when we finally got pregnant with our first baby, we were shocked and delighted. I finally felt like I’d done something right after months of feeling as if I was doing something wrong or maybe I wasn’t made to be a mother. Let me tell you; these times were some low low times.
So when I got pregnant the next four times on the day we started trying; my reaction was starting to change.
How was this happening so fast? We literally thought about having a baby two weeks ago and then; bam!, a positive test.
When this happened four times in a row it was almost unbelievable.
The symptoms were so recognizable now: can’t sleep, back ache, boobs are on fire and is that the taco from last night or am I seriously, already showing.
To make matters even rarer the fourth time I was still breastfeeding and hadn’t even had my first period yet!
Letting my husband know was the easy part , he laughed; “what’s one more” while bathing three and one hanging of his leg, me standing there in disbelief and shock.
And then it hit me like a wave and I couldn’t breathe. Guilt.
Beautiful friends of ours had been trying for three years; and we’re still not pregnant. Another best friend of mine had been trying for a couple of months and made jabs that “we would be pregnant again before they were ”.
And although I had been there myself and it wasn’t something I had done wrong.
I felt guilty- guilty I hadn’t tried to get pregnant four times, sad that I was already beating myself up and I didn’t want to celebrate and so scared to let anybody know.
And then there were the critics. Every person we knew ( and strangers in the street that we didn’t know) would have opinions. Bad, good, shocked, elated and I just wasn’t ready to deal with it all. Six kids five and under. Oh gosh.
I wanted to call my friends and tell them I was sorry or tell no one at all and just give birth and slot this baby in and maybe no one would notice.
After days of dealing with these emotions on my own, I reached out to my beautiful friend that had been trying for three years and she was so excited for me.
And then I realized something. This baby deserved to be celebrated just like all the rest. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was excited, my husband was amused.
Once I started telling people it only became easier. All of my family and my friends, especially the ones that were trying, were so happy for us!
They knew how special having a baby was and they were overjoyed that our dreams of having a large family had come true.
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