'Is It Wrong To Ask A Friend To Give Back A Baby Shower Gift?'

A woman has been called ‘incentive and cruel’ for considering asking for a baby shower gift back, after the mum-to-be suffered a miscarriage.

While she admits even posing the question ‘sounds awful’ she and her husband are weighing up either asking the grieving mum for the gift back, or the $400 it cost.

“It might be a terrible thing to do so I need some advice,” she explained.

“My husband has a long term family friend named Jen. Jen and I aren’t friends at all but we are friendly when we see each other. When Jen had her first kid my husband purchased a fairly expensive item off of her baby shower registry as a gift (around $200-$300 if I recall correctly). I had no issue with the gift or how much he spent, it was a nice item to gift her and we were excited for her to grow her family with her then boyfriend now husband.

“Fast forward a few years, Jen and her husband are high earners (both making over six figures). Jen announced she was pregnant again very early along and sent my husband her baby shower registry with her announcement text which was full of high priced items.

“Personally, I thought this was strange because she should still have most of the items from her first kid and I didn’t think people usually did full blown baby showers/registries after their first. I was also surprised she was asking for gifts when she was still in the first trimester, but I’m a cautious person who didn’t announce my pregnancy until 20 weeks which I know is extreme on the other side. I left it up to my husband what he wanted to do but mentioned to him that I was surprised she was organising another shower/gifting event since she already has a young kid and got brand new stuff then.”

The woman says her husband purchased her a $400 gift from the registry, but tragically just a few weeks later Jen suffered a ‘traumatic’ miscarriage.

“I won’t get into the details but she was devastated and the cause of the loss likely means she won’t be able to carry future pregnancies to term. It’s incredibly sad and while I’m not close with Jen my heart hurt for her.”

But now the woman is wondering what should be done about the expensive gift they purchased for the baby shower.

“It’s been a few months since her loss and my husband is now unsure of how to navigate the gift. It’s not something she can use for her older kid. Asking her to return the gift seems cruel, like adding a chore onto her grief, and it’s probably past the return window anyway.

“I’m also not sure if she’s going to keep trying to have more kids (very risky for the baby and herself) and it seems incredibly insensitive to ask, plus she may not have decided yet. Asking her to pay us back for it also seems very cruel. My husband and I are also decently high earners but $400 is still a lot of money. It’s one thing if she’s able to get a few years of use out of the item, that’s money well spent. But if it’s going to sit in a box in her attic for years … that’s where we are getting stuck.

“So, would we be the a**holes if we asked about getting the gift back? Ideally we could get our money back somehow although it’s probably too late. If we can’t then I’d at least like to gift it to someone else who can use it (I feel awful just saying that but it’s how I feel). However this is such a sensitive subject and we don’t want to pressure her if she’s not ready to discuss it.”

Let us know what you think she should do in the comments below.

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43 Comments

- - Lividanke said
  - 16 Aug 2024
    3:33 pm
I can understand how you feel but I wouldn’t be asking for it back.
I’d never ask anyone for something expensive for a present personally and I rarely will buy gifts off a registry for someone if it wasn’t within my budget.

- - MummaD said
  - 21 Jul 2023
    2:27 pm
Its not yours anymore.

- - mom480417 said
  - 01 Jul 2023
    1:14 am
I would never ask for gifts in first place, however, I feel her friend should have gone ahead and returned the gifts even before someone thinks of asking it.

- - mom493188 said
  - 13 Jun 2023
    12:33 pm
Of course it is wrong.

- - mom160270 said
  - 22 May 2023
    2:40 pm
As others have said, let it go. When you give a gift it is no longer yours. The mother may decide to give the gifts back or she may keep them in case she has/adopts children in future. That’s up to her.

- - Mom7534689 said
  - 22 May 2023
    9:18 am
I wouldn’t be asking, that’s just cruel. But on the other side I’d probably give them back as I wouldn’t want to be reminded (also wouldn’t have done a second baby shower and asked for gifts in the first place) but each tontheir own

- - mom465794 said
  - 22 May 2023
    9:08 am
wow this is so heartless. what kind of friend even considers this?

- - BellaB said
  - 21 May 2023
    7:00 pm
At least you recognise how incredibly sensitive this is. Look, I’d probably grit my teeth and forget it. Asking is unlikely to end well. But if you really want to ask, perhaps phrase it as “would you like us to exchange it for something more useful for your older child?”

- - mom462038 said
  - 21 May 2023
    10:29 am
Ooohhhh, a heartless person to do this. An expensive gift so I understand why, but I couldn’t do it. If you allow recovery time, you might find the mum to be will give the gifts back.

- - cassy26 said
  - 20 May 2023
    10:26 am
While I think it was strange for her to have another baby shower/gift registry especially so early on, You ( or your husband) made the decision to purchase the GIFT so that’s it, end of story. It would be incredibly rude and insensitive to ask for it back.

- - MandaMags said
  - 20 May 2023
    7:16 am
It’s crazy to spend that much on a baby shower gift. You can’t ask for it back regardless it was a gift.

- - Mumof4 said
  - 19 May 2023
    8:37 pm
Yes you are a**holes. You chose to spend that much on a gift, you can’t ask for it back because she lost her baby. How insensitive.

- - Ellen said
  - 19 May 2023
    4:33 am
Of course you can’t ask it back, it’s not yours anymore !
- Ellen replied
  
  22 May 2023 , 7:43 am
  And of course it was your choice to spent this amount of money.
- - mom468034 said
  - 18 May 2023
    9:19 pm
You absolutely cannot ask for that gift back! Sheesh! You wrote you are both earning well, so it’s not an issue for you or her. But you know what? Whether it costs a dollar or a thousand dollars, once you give a gift, it is no longer yours! You dont get to ask for it back.
Yes, it’s not usual to have a baby shower for a second baby, but it was your choice to give it, and that is a done deal, the ship has sailed. If she approached you sometime in the future, say, to ask if you still had the receipt because she wants to exchange it for something more suitable, you could offer to do it for her, but basically, regardless you have no right to ask for it back. It’s strange that you even have to ask, to be frank. The pain the mum who miscarried must be feeling is huge, do you really want to add to that pain? For the sake of dollars that you’ve said while a big cost, you can afford? If you do, it says an awful lot about you . Just no, okay?

- - Sklh said
  - 18 May 2023
    8:10 pm
Let it go

- - tessie said
  - 18 May 2023
    12:47 pm
I think you should have waited closer to the due birth date to give such a highly priced gift. I think you’ve lost that now. I would have thought she would have given everything back to the people who bought gifts and doesn’t try to sell them to someone else. I never gave a gift until I actually saw the baby.

- - meedee said
  - 18 May 2023
    10:20 am
WOW….. When you give someone a gift thats it. You give the gift and then it belongs to them not you. You give up all rights to the item so back off and get over it.

Advice going forward….dont give people gifts if you are going to spend nights awake stressing over what they might do with said gift. You are not gift giving from the heart.

- - rovermum said
  - 18 May 2023
    10:02 am
I’m sorry, but I think you need to let it go. Although it’s worth a lot of money, it would seem incredibly insensitive to ask for it back. If she offered it, that would be different. I agree, I don’t understand second baby showers (or first, for that matter), and particluarly with a registry! Wow! And so early? Again, Wow! But I think under the circumstances, you need to let it go. Put yourself in her shoes and see if you think it would be a priority to be looking at, or considering what to do with baby shower gifts. In time, she may offer it back.

- - Frankiielot said
  - 18 May 2023
    8:29 am
I don’t understand why the gift was given already? Done baby showers happen later down the track, closer to when the mum is going to give birth? It sounds like it was purchased as soon as the list was given and then given to her…
I don’t think asking for it back is a good idea. If both parties are high earners them it shouldn’t really matter.

- - starfish said
  - 18 May 2023
    8:25 am
Why is this even a question? It was a gift, freely given with no strings attached. The only scenario where it would appropriate to ask for a gift back, is if it was found to be given under false pretenses, e.g. she was never pregnant in the first place and the whole thing was a hoax. But as it was genuine, then of course you can’t ask for it back. If you gifted your friend a pair of shoes and she was then in an accident where she lost her legs would you ask for the shoes back?? This is the same type of scenario. No, It is not appropriate to ask for it back. Shame on you for not only thinking it but saying it out loud to a bunch of strangers on the Internet.