Becoming a Mum has been one of the biggest learning experiences of my life.

From thinking about having a baby, through pregnancy, child birth and now having the little gremlin in my life, I learnt something new everyday. My brain, bless it’s cotton socks, gets tired from all the new information, the majority is totally useless, but it’s tired and full – well maybe not full, but there is definitely a notification popping up saying that “Your storage is nearly full”, just like my phone, which holds about 4000 photos of my baby and Norman, my dog.

Today, I thought I would share my new found ‘Mum Knowledge’, because you may be a new Mum, soon-to-be Mum, long-time Mum or just procrastinating at work and stumbled upon this, either way I have your attention and you will learn/agree/disagree/think I’ve lost my marbles.

1. Miss Rabbit and Nanny Plum are the same person.

I think there may also be a few other cross contaminations between ‘Peppa Pig’ and ‘Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom’, I watch them about 200 times a day so I’ll get back to you!

2. Getting pregnant is a miracle.

I watched this documentary about how sperm travels to the egg in order to make the little bubba (if you heard about some kind of stork, meet me after class and we will have a little chat), the female body hates the sperm. It is like some kind of ‘Hunger Games’ maze for the poor little sperm troopers to make their way through. The body tries to destroy it at every corner. The sperm that makes it really is an absolute champion and what I have learnt is this, if you have had a few attempts at getting pregnant, be patient, it is a war zone in there and those little soldiers are doing their best!

3. If you need a super stealthy spy, hire a Mum.

Seriously, there is no one on this planet who can slip in and out of a room with ninja-like precision and remain undetected, like a Mother of a sleeping baby can. I know every creak of her door, every noisy spot in her room, how to dislocate my shoulder and break my back in 4 places to reach a dirty bib that’s fallen behind the rocking chair. I can hold my breath for up to 20 minutes if needs be, because if my breathing wakes my child, well… hell hath no fury like a Mum who hasn’t had 10 minutes to sit in silence.

Tom Cruise, you have no idea, a Mum doesn’t need to catch her sweat, because she can mentally switch off her sweat glands to avoid any spluttering noises. A Mum also has the ability to detect danger within a 5 mile radius, like if someone down the street coughed too loudly, they will be exterminated on the spot (like I said, “hall hath no fury…”).

4. The human body is an amazing machine.

When I was pregnant, I was constantly amazed at how my body worked in order to grow a child and then look after it once they were born. For example, a woman will get a heightened sense of smell, which is meant to help her avoid foods that she shouldn’t eat, you grow a new organ (the placenta) in order to help your baby grow, your body releases a hormone which causes you to become more stretchy in order to help your body grow to fit the baby and then squeeze it out of you.

But the biggest thing of all, you are growing a human being inside you. That blows my mind! I watched this video a few months ago and about a baby growing from a tiny egg, all the way till birth and it seriously just amazed me. Have a snoop of youtube and you’ll find it!

5. Being a parent is like multi-tasking bootcamp.

Back in my pre-baby days, I would stumble through life, taking my time with the washing, the dishes, just general day to day activities. Then baby life happened. For those of you who are unaware, the average sleep cycle of a newborn baby is 40 minutes. After that they could go back to sleep, or they don’t. Therefore, you have 40 minutes to do everything that needs to get done, or it doesn’t happen.

So you don’t waste time, you don’t do unnecessary jobs like sort out your DVD’s in alphabetical order, or breathe. You get shit done. Quickly! I now have the ability to sort out the main priority jobs through to the “I can do them tomorrow” jobs and get them done, whilst making various small human meals, entertaining a puppy and drinking a (strong) coffee all at once.

6. You say your baby will fit into your schedule, but that’s what people with no kids say.

Paddy and I said that, a lot! But then Poppy was born and the thought of her missing a nap or getting out of her routine is a torture worse than back to back episodes of, ‘Two broke girls’. So not worth the stress/drama/meltdowns. I say it’s more beneficial to find a compromise where you can meet half way (really it’s more towards their way but you can kinda see the middle, so you feel like it’s even). Happy baby, happy life!

7. You don’t need to buy them toys, just give them a empty container and your car keys.

I buy Poppy these adorable toys, imagining how much fun we will have together, but then the box it came in seems to be the real winner. Or a receipt she pulled out of my bag. Or my phone with all it’s flashing lights and the thrill of knowing she isn’t allowed it. Or a spatula. Why do I waste my money? Is it more for the inner child in me that secretly wants to play with the tiny blender that sings? Possibly. To be honest, if I could be entertained for a good 20 minutes playing with a piece of paper and a pair of sunglasses, life would be much more simple wouldn’t it?

8. Apparently there are still commercial songs playing on the radio, but I wouldn’t know.

The only songs I ever have stuck in my head are, ‘Who’s in the Wiggle house?’, ‘Hey Duggee’ and ‘The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse’. Even in the car when you think you can catch a break, no, you MUST play the god damn Wiggles or else she screams, oh how they pierce your brain. So, Lachy and Emma Wiggle…you’re up.

9. You like your personal space, but you’ll learn to live with without it.

I have a 1-year-old puppy with serious personal space issues, but now I have a crawling baby who feels the need to sit inside my ribcage. So unless I crawl up on the kitchen bench and hope for the best, I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.

10. Your food is to be eaten quickly, or it won’t be eaten by you at all.

You know how wild animals eat their prey quickly and efficiently to ensure no other wild beasts steal it from them? This is basically a day-to-day event in our house. It’s like, “Yeah, I did just eat my own meal of delicious baby cereal and mushed up banana, but you are eating toast… and I haven’t had toast today… so… give it!”. You eat fast, you eat quickly, or the wolves will find you… and they will win.

Parent life. It’s a funny thing.

What did you learn in your first year as a parent? Share with us in the comments.

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