I understand why you didn’t tell MJ earlier because you didn’t want her traumatised like you had been. I definitely think your fiance had no right to say anything. She could have spoken to you to find out why you hadn’t said anything but still no right to say anything different to MJ.

I think the fiancee has overstepped the line big time and is showing her true colours in her approach. Just doing what she wants and thinks is right without discussion. She should have talked it through with you as she knew the little girl didn’t know. Her way of telling her is not correct either. The decision is yours and should stay that way.

Yes a gentle approach to telling this young one is essential. It’s a big thing in her life for what she thought was real was in fact not the truth. She will have many questions so be prepared for all sorts of emotions. Be kind and all will work out in the end.

It is always easy to be wise in hindsight, but just maybe your sister should have been told she was your sister right from day one as the ramifications down the track just might be very hard on her. Is your mother still in the picture at all? And what has been told to your sister about her? Surely you could say something like her mum is not well and you have adopted her. She must have questions about her mother. However, your fiancé had no right to tell your sister, that is something that you have to do, and I would be doing it very soon so your sister won’t get hurt in the future. There must be some long talks with your fiancé as well if you intend to continue in the relationship. You must be open with everyone, not just in any new relationships.

I think he was 100% right in what he has done. She is only 5 and does see him as her dad. At 5 she is not going to understand addiction and knowing about her mum would bring more harm than good. As the article says, he did fully intend to tell her when she was older. Ida had no right. I honestly don’t know what she was thinking and to say it the way she did was just malicious. There is nothing else to it.

This type of personal information needs to be delivered with tact, sensitivity and love by the brother/dad. An adult should be mature and should not be arguing with and upsetting a five year old. Respect and trust is so important in relationships and it is concerning and hurtful when it is lacking.

You arent in the wrong here I don’t think. You obviously only ever have had the best interests of your little sister in mind. I think 5 is young to try and process such big news, but maybe now that your finacee (wrongly) announced it to your child she will now have big questions in her mind she will need to have answered in a truthful way. Your fiancee had no right to do that and should have resected your wishes in this situation

Ellen, I agree with your answer and the way you have expressed it.

Regardless of what the “right” thing to do is, your girlfriend had absolutely no right to tell her. That’s totally your call. I think you’re an amazing person and your sister is lucky to have you. I’m sure you’ll know when the time is right but honestly I wouldn’t be rushing in to marriage with someone who will go behind your back like that.

First of all you are amazing for raising your sister and fighting to get custody (and legal guardianship ?) over your little siter ! I agree with you that age 5 it might still be hard for your sister to understand the situation and especially the background that led to this situation. That being said I would answer any questions she has in a light and simple way. That way it might become easier than suddenly reveal the truth at a more mature age. I don’t agree with what your girl friend did. First of all it’s not up to her to share this or when to share this, but secondly the way she did is rather harmful.

I’d dump the girlfriend she had no right to tell your sister you aren’t her dad she isn’t the right fit for your family and didn’t care what the ramifications could be it wasn’t her place to say anything and was obviously doing it behind your back when she thought you couldn’t hear her trouble maker avoid her at all costs .

You are obviously a very kind person trying to look after your sister as well as possible. Unfortunately, MJ now has to know the truth as your fiancée has chosen to enlighten her. You are definitely not an a hole but quite the opposite. MJ is lucky to have you in her life.

Pretty obvious you wouldn’t tell your sister your her dad and should fix that as soon as possible as it’s not appropriate deceiving her. How messed up would she be later when you tell her. She’d need to be told straight away.

OF COURSE your not the AH ! You have tried to cocoon your sister with love and safety.
Unfortunately your fiancé probably meant well with love; but yes;, please explain to your sister (and fiancé) that you love her dearly (always have) and wanted her to have a secure upbringing, and this just happened.
.. My sister is more than 16 years younger than I and she started to call me “Mam” after my Mum had to have serious surgery about 14 months after she was born and I moved home and looked after her and acted as the housekeeper whilst mu Mum recuperated (at home). I remember my parents asking her at 18 months (genius of a child – my own were not the same :)) what a parent was ; and she answered someone who loves you and tells you what to do – she had 5 older siblings ;at least 9 + years older . Your sister is now old enough to understand d that you love her dearly but are not her biological parent – now is better than in a few years to let her know.
Bless you for caring – Good Luck.

You are most definitely not the a**hole. MJ is your daughter in all ways that matter and it’s your decision on when you tell her as you are the one who will know when she is ready to hear about her biological parents. As for Ida she had absolutely no right to say what she said and she was totally in the wrong.
From personal experience though my brother adopted his now ex-wife’s son (he was only 2yrs at the time) and they didn’t tell him as his mother wanted to wait until he was older. When he was around 8/9yrs old another child (cousin) who knew the truth told him and sadly things were not handled well when he confronted them and it caused problems in their relationships. He is now a young man with his own family and it’s sad to say that his relationship with my brother and his mother has never recovered.

Oh
My
God

You are not the a’hole!! That was completely out of line. I’m so sorry for your heartache, but you are doing an amazing job. You deserve so much better.

That whole story demonstrates her complete lack of emotional intelligence. Your daughter needs to come first and I know there’s someone amazing out there for you. Don’t feel like you’re missing out and need to rush into a relationship.