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If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, you’ve probably heard it all. The unsolicited advice, side-eye in the supermarket, and the classic: “They just need more discipline/less screen time/more healthy food”. The truth? Unless you’re living it, you just don’t get it.

Parents of neurodivergent children live a version of parenting most people don’t see.

It’s intense.
It’s beautiful.
It’s relentless.
And it’s often completely misunderstood.

So we decided to ask our beautiful Mouths of Mums community what they wished others understood about their day-to-day reality as parents of neurodivergent kids.

So whether you have neurodivergent kids yourself and want to connect through these shared experiences, or you want to understand the reality of your mum-friends who have neurodivergent kids, it’s worth taking the time to read

Here’s what mums of neurodivergent kids want you to know:

They’re not being naughty … they’re struggling

This comment came up again and again. Meltdowns aren’t tantrums. They’re not about being ‘spoilt’ or ‘attention-seeking’. Mums explained their kids’ meltdowns are a response to overwhelm, anxiety, sensory overload, or a world that’s too fast, too loud, too unpredictable.

“They’re not giving YOU a hard time – they’re having a hard time,” Tara said.

Nicole put it bluntly: “My child is not naughty and corporal punishment will not stop him from having a meltdown!!”

Girls often mask – and it’s exhausting

Many people still think of autism or ADHD through a male lens. Jess shared, “Girls mask better than boys!!! That’s why you can’t even begin to imagine my sweet little girl having a 2-hour meltdown.”

They hold it in all day, only to unravel once they’re home and feel safe. It’s not fake – it’s survival.

It’s not bad parenting. So stop judging.

You wouldn’t believe the comments some of these parents are subjected to. Things like: “They just need more discipline.” “You’re too soft.” “He needs a smack.”

No. Just no.

“Behind every ‘too loose’ parenting you see from us is a huge amount of anxiety, fatigue, experience and knowledge,” Sahar explained.

Rachel added: “So-called ‘normal’ discipline techniques are not only ineffective, they’re counterproductive. We’re not allowing bad behaviour—we’re doing what works for our kids.”

Every ND child is different

Autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergent conditions exist on a spectrum. What works for one child might completely fail for another.

“Just because little Johnny does that, doesn’t mean little Amy has to be the same,” said Lee.

There’s no one-size-fits-all. These parents are constantly learning, adapting, and trying again.

It’s isolating

From friends who stop inviting you to birthday parties, to family members who don’t ‘get it’, many parents feel like they’re doing it all alone.

Rowena said, “We feel so lonely and judged.”

Kim added, “It’s isolating socially and emotionally. All judgmental comments cut through you like a knife.”

Meltdowns affect the whole family

It’s not just the child who’s struggling. Parents and siblings often carry the emotional toll too. “It’s emotionally, physically and socially exhausting for the parent, child and the whole family,” Fiona shared.

Danielle summed it up: “A lot of the time it’s survival. Surviving until the end of the day.”

They don’t grow out of it

This isn’t a phase. It’s not something they’ll “snap out of when they’re older.”

Rosa said, “Anxiety and being on the spectrum doesn’t just disappear when they grow older. It’s a lifetime thing.”

That doesn’t mean there’s no growth or progress. It just means support doesn’t end at 18.

These kids are amazing

This needs to be said louder.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, some days feel impossible. But these kids have depth, creativity, humour, empathy, and a way of seeing the world that’s genuinely incredible.

Natalie said, “Their differences can be so beautiful… the hardest part is helping your child see that beauty when the systems around them don’t.”

Parents are doing their best … and then some

These parents are battle-ready every single day, not with their kids, but with the world. Fighting schools, healthcare systems, society’s expectations, and their own exhaustion.

And still, they keep going.

Jennifer said, “Even on the good days, you feel like a failure. That said, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.”

If you want to help – listen

Don’t offer parenting tips unless you’ve lived this life. Don’t compare them to a character on TV. And please don’t assume you know better.

What these families need is less judgement and more kindness. Less advice and more support.

“Kindness without judgement goes a long way,” Danielle said.

So next time you see a child having a supermarket meltdown, or a parent who looks like they’re barely holding it together, take a breath. Assume there’s more going on than meets the eye.

You don’t have to understand it all.

Just don’t judge.

Maybe even offer a smile.

It might be the best thing that happens to them all day.

If you’d like to continue the discussion, we’d love you to share your thoughts in the comments below.

  • I enjoyed this article and my heart goes out to the parents who get criticized for the way their child acts and the “punishment” others think you should hand out to them. I understand all kids misbehave but you can’t put them all in the same category. I do understand that the parent is having a hard time but so is the child. Show a little compassion. A friend of mine had 3 children with ADHD all under 8 and I really felt for her but she knew exactly what to do and her methods seemed to work for them.

    Reply

  • This was a great article… and to all those mama’s raising neurodivergent kids, there’s something you need to know; you are doing an amazing job! You are seen and you inspire us! On those hard days, you got this! You’re doing great! It’s a thankless job but it’s worth it! 🩷

    Reply

  • I work with special needs children and I can tell you that they are all very different and they all require different things from a parent and/or carer.
    I care for one teenage boy who will be in fits of giggles one minute and the next in tears. Simply telling him to think of something happy seems to work for him and suddenly he is smiling again. Try that one on your enraged teenager… . bet that woundle work for them so why would you think your treatment for your child would work for a special needs child?

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  • So many fantastic comments in this article from mums who have these wonderful children. Definitely don’t give or hand out advice freely to mums because chances are, they’ve heard it so many times over and you don’t understand what it’s like raising children with special needs. They are brilliant, smart children just trying their best to manage.

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  • I knew something was going on that wasn’t ‘standard’ by the time by babe was 1.5yo. I just knew. ADHD DX by 4yo and ASD/PDA DX at 5yo. And it’s not always just about discovering these things about your child. It’s by seeking these assessments and diagnoses for my child that it also became a journey of self discovery. I know I am not alone in that. So much reflection into my own challenges and struggles as a child was both confronting and affirming. I allow a certain amount of grace to my parents for doing the best they could at the time but had they dug a little deeper things could have been very different for me. 40 years ago such things weren’t considered for girls I guess.

    My advice to those living typical (non divergent) lives is to please respect the choices we have made and the paths we guide our spicy children on. Such decisions have not been made lightly I can assure you of that. If you’re curious, ask questions before assuming and judging the behaviours and actions of our extra/special needs little people. Compassion goes a long way.

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  • I have 2 neurodivergents and we are only just in the process of getting official diagnosis now. It’s an every day reality. My kids aren’t the type to have meltdowns as such but there are a lot more subtle things that I have to deal with. It’s very hard to get advice and help is practically non-existent. Sometimes I am at a complete loss as to what to do next and how to parent my kids. It can be exhausting!

    Reply

  • This was a really fantastic read. I have friends who are going through this with their kids and I take my hat off to them and what they and their kids must go through. I think it’s important to just be there for your friends and listen, I agree with the above, they don’t need your advice they just want someone to listen to them.

    Reply

  • This is a great read with respect for the parents who struggle and with respect for the neuro divergent kids and their different way of coping with every day life. Having a neuro divergent child myself I do recognize quite a bit in this article, but personally I do not feel I am failing. Personally we faced the most misunderstanding by the school (sadly in specific by the inclusion team !) and it has been a long and hard road to advocate for my child, but we’re getting there

    Reply

  • I honestly think everyone needs to kind their own business ans if you’re ignorant enough to judge someone’s child, you’re just uneducated. I remember seeing a boomer couple walk up to a family at a five star hotel we were staying at telling them how well behaved their kids were why there was a table next to them with two kids who wasn’t badly behaved but were just having a good time laughing and chatting through dinner, but they said it staring at the other family. WOW. I found it so rude.

    Reply

  • One thing I think a lot of people struggle with is that there are some genuinely badly behaved brats out there, and of course they look very much the same as a child with genuine issues and understandable reasons for “bad” behaviour. I try not to judge, but I do understand why some people do.

    Reply

  • This is a really lovely written article. Every child is different, just like those who are ND. Kindness, love and consideration is important.

    Reply

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