Hello!

46 Comments

Have you ever wondered what to say to a friend who’s had a miscarriage?

As we all grieve in our own way it’s difficult to know the best thing to say to someone who has had a miscarriage, especially if you haven’t been through it yourself.

Here are some ideas to help you help your friend:

Try to:

  • Express that you’re there for them and will provide support if they need it. Even saying something as simple as “I can’t imagine how you are feeling” or “I am so sorry for your loss” will show that you care about their feelings.
  • Your friend could be feeling quite lonely so make sure you call, text, send a card and/or flowers – or even all of the above. They might not be up to responding to you, but at least you will be showing that you are thinking of them and leaving the door open should they want to reach out to you.
  • Listen to what they say about their loss. They may have wished for this baby for longer than you know, a parent’s love for their baby isn’t measured by how old the baby was.
  • Offer support to their partner, they’re most likely going through just as much so don’t leave them out of the equation if you can help it.
  • Bereaved parents often find it hard to ask for help. Rather than saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” make a specific offer of help that they can say a straight out yes or no to such as ” I’m going shopping later what should I pick up for you?” Don’t be upset if they refuse the offer but do make sure you keep offering every now and again – they may just take you up on it eventually!


  • Many parents will welcome the opportunity to talk about their loss or how they are feeling. So ask, “how are you doing today?” as this will give them chance to open up. Remember not all will want to talk so be mindful of this too. Let them lead the conversation but show you care even if it’s upsetting for you too. Don’t be afraid to show your own feelings.
  • Someone who has lost a baby may find it difficult to be around pregnant friends and/or young children. On the other hand some friends who are pregnant or have young children may avoid the parent who is grieving and this could further upset the grieving parent. If unsure maybe call and ask them or ask another family member.
  • Gently encourage the parents to take the time they need to grieve and not to expect too much too soon of themselves.
  • A phone call or visit or card on significant dates such as the baby’s due date may mean a great deal.
  • Continue to keep in touch – time may pass but a loss is something that will remain with them for longer than just a few months.

Try not to:

  • Delay in seeing them because you don’t quite know what to say.
  • Unless you have been in the same situation try not to say that you know what they are going through.
  • Suggest what a bereaved parent should be feeling or doing. We all grieve in our own way and telling them they shouldn’t cry or they should be over it by now may make them feel worse.
  • To suggest to the parent that a new pregnancy or child will help lessen the grief of the child just lost.
  • Find a way to explain the loss. Avoid saying things like “it just wasn’t meant to be” – this could be hurtful to them.
  • It’s important not to forget the impact this can have on other siblings too as they often know a lot more than they may show at the time.

Do you have anything to add to this that might help? SHARE with us in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
  • Yes I think you can just be there for them and let them know you are not far away if they need you.

    Reply

  • When I miscarried I didn’t want anyone to know because I didn’t want to hear their stories I just wanted to be sad. My husband refused to call my work for me and couldn’t come with me to hospital, these things I have never been able to move beyond

    Reply

  • Always be there for them – even years down the track as the pain does not go away!

    Reply

  • What a difficult situation. Caring for someone after any loss is challenging,

    Reply

  • It’s always sad when anybody mis carries let alone a close friend or relative. I think the key is to be there for them and offer a shoulder and ear.

    Reply

  • I have a very close friend that went through a miscarriage 4 months ago. She was so upset & uncontrollable. She kept saying ” why me ? “. I did as much as possible to console her as I have never had to cope with having a miscarriage and I think it would be a terrible thing to go through.

    Reply

  • My sister miscarried, it was a hard horrible time for all of us. Especially as I fell pregnant not long after

    Reply

  • This experience is so common, but often not talked about with people outside immediate family, or until later on. So if someone does share of their loss, it is likely they are wanting to talk about it. Just being a listening ear can be of tremendous value in helping people process their feelings.

    Reply

  • not sure but it s hard

    Reply

  • it is real nice

    Reply

  • One friend of American background who miscarried, I used to go and visit everyday just to get her and her children out of the house to play in the park. Another friend of Asian background didn’t want to make a fuss but I looked after her boy while she went to hospital. Everyone is different but the support is valued.

    Reply

  • Many of us who go through this tell no-one other than our partners, so if a friend has shared this with you, make sure you are there to listen as it is a huge step just telling someone. Much love to all who have been through it xx


    • yes i will let them know that i am there and then take their lead

    Reply

  • After having lost a baby myself and helping a friend through the loss of hers, I can certainly say these are great tips and ideas, the most important is acknowledging that no matter how short or long a time the pregnancy lasted it does not diminish the importance of the loss, and acknowledging it is okay to be upset.

    Reply

  • Do not tell then they can always have another child. Another child is not THIS child. Even if the pregnancy was unexpected, even if it was a potential hardship, even if the plan was to pass the baby on to another family member or another family altogether don’t do it and don’t say anything about the problem solving itsself. A child is supposed to be safe in its mother’s womb and many a mother feels she failed to protect her baby in the one place baby should have been safe. Further, even people who do not want and never have children can feel devastated by the loss of ANY child so do not presume that the loss of an unplanned child causes any less pain. Many mothers who planned to release their children and miscarry feel guilty to the bone wondering if they lost the baby because they didn’t love them enough.

    Reply

  • This is great it’s so hard to know what to say while I was pregnant my best friend and my sister in law both had miscarriages and it was awful I didn’t know what to say and I actually felt guilty because I was pregnant and they had suffered a terrible loss.

    Reply

Post a comment
Like Facebook page

LIKE MoM on Facebook

Please enter your comment below
Would you like to include a photo?
No picture uploaded yet.
Please wait to see your image preview here before hitting the submit button.
Your MoM account


Lost your password?

Enter your email and a password below to post your comment and join MoM:

You May Like

Loading…

Looks like this may be blocked by you browser or content filtering.

↥ Back to top

Thanks For Your Star Rating!

Would you like to add a written rating or just a star rating?

Write A Rating Just A Star Rating
Join