Let's Stop Asking, 'Are You Hoping For A Boy Or A Girl?'

Expecting mums are calling on well-meaning friends and family to stop asking them whether they’re hoping for a boy or a girl.

Doula and expecting mum Jordan Klein says we need to stop asking pregnant women this loaded question, because the emotion behind it runs much deeper than a simple answer.

Jordan, who is pregnant with her third baby and has two boys, says no matter what an expecting mum answers, the situation is always awkward.

“Here’s why that comment sucks. Let’s say I, a pregnant mumma, am talking to somebody and they make some comment along the lines of, ‘Oh, I bet you’re hoping for a girl.’ Or, ‘Are you hoping for a girl or boy’. I’m backed into a corner. There are three ways I can answer and all of those answers suck.

“Number one I can say: ‘No, we’re not hoping for a girl’. And then it ends up being a girl and that’s awkward. Two I can say: “Yes, we are hoping for a girl.’ And it ends up being a boy and that’s awkward. Or three, I can say: ‘We don’t care.’ Which could very well not be true. But we’re not going to get into the nuance of gender disappointment in a casual conversation.”

@jothemama #stitch with @jothemama “it’s just small talk” yeah, but it’s really not. #genderdisappointment #boymom #girlmom #momsoftiktok #babiesoftiktok #WomenOwnedBusiness ♬ original sound – Jo

Jordan, who is planning on live streaming her third birth live on Instagram, says it’s still a conversation worth having, but it needs to be on the pregnant woman’s terms.

“That question of, ‘Are you hoping for a boy or a girl’ is so loaded. And I don’t think people realised how nuanced and contextual it is when they ask. And it’s usually asked in good faith and with good intentions. If parents want to open up about their future children and the gender that they would prefer – let them. Because it’s a valid conversation, but it shouldn’t be forced.”

Are you guilty of asking an expecting mum this question? Should we stop asking it? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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28 Comments

- - mom485231 said
  - 05 Jun 2022
    6:52 am
I am sure for the most part it’s just an innocent question! I never cared, I just always said I wanted a healthy baby

- - Zmijka86 said
  - 02 Jun 2022
    9:15 pm
I don’t see nothing wrong- I really enjoyed people asking me and making small talks.

- - Mum2archer said
  - 22 May 2022
    11:16 pm
I didn’t mind the question at all. People are just making conversation with you

- - mom336367 said
  - 20 May 2022
    2:42 pm
Some people love being asked about their pregnancy. I did not mind being asked at all. Instead of telling people to stop asking perhaps we should be happy for each individuals personal boundaries and be happy if they don’t want to say or share. For some this may be a way to connect and communicate with the ‘to-be’ mother.

- - mom461384 said
  - 06 May 2022
    4:27 pm
She has a valid point

- - Carli85 said
  - 05 May 2022
    6:57 am
I don’t mind that question, what annoyed me is the statement “oh so you’re going for boy?” After already having 2 girls… no we’re going for 3 kids, which was always the plan…

- - Forgetful Mumma said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    10:31 pm
I’ve only been asked if I know what I’m having and when I say we wait till birth to find out, everyone thinks it’s a lovely idea to keep it a surprise.
When I was expecting my third I already had a boy and girl and the sonographer said “so this one is a tie breaker” I wasn’t a fan of my child being referred to as a tie breaker, but sometimes people just say things.

- - mom101628 said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    9:30 pm
So long as the baby is healthy and has all the right chromosomes or whatever they are, who cares. As a parent you love them no matter which one it turns out to be and really even if they are not absolutely perfect, we still love them. Why people just can’t be happy for you, I will never understand.

- - mom486400 said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    5:53 pm
Personally I wouldn’t care if anyone asked me that question. I wouldn’t have found it a big deal or offensive. I guess everyone to their own but the difficult part is knowing who is offended.

- - Ellen said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    5:29 pm
No that isn’t a question I ever asked or would ask, simply because it’s non of my business

- - mom109199 said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    2:27 pm
I’ve never asked any pregnant woman that question. It’s is a very loaded question as the article states. I was certainly asked it plenty when I was pregnant though. My answer was always the same. Healthy. That was it. I never would say anything else, because, for me, it was the truth. I just wanted a healthy baby. I had a difficult TTC journey and miscarriages and I just wanted a healthy baby to hold. I didn’t care whether it was a boy or a girl.

- - tessie said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    11:09 am
I’ve never asked if Mum’s are expecting a boy or girl. I’ve only ever asked them how long they have to go or how they are doing. All any parent really wants is a healthy baby.

- - rovermum said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    10:02 am
Absolutely! We should all just be hoping for healthy babies. It’s just rude.

- - sars_angelchik said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    8:57 am
It doesn’t matter what you have- you should love them just the same.

- - mom465683 said
  - 28 Apr 2022
    7:39 am
It doesn’t really matter. As long as they are healthy.