As I write this I am on a short flight between Sydney and Melbourne, sitting on a row of three seats in between two males I don’t know. I’ve been having second thoughts whether to write an article about sexual intimacy right now or perhaps write it a bit later when I’m not in such close company…
So what am I so afraid of?
I guess my fears are around a fear of judgement and a fear of vulnerability that comes with talking openly about sex. You’ll know if I have confronted these fears and tackled them head on if I get to the end of this article and you are reading it!
My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have an amazing marriage and a good sex life. By “good” I mean it’s great when we do have sex but it’s nowhere near frequent enough! Our energy levels and “alone” time away from our kids are the two biggest factors we have to juggle. In the time we’ve been together, we have never really researched much around sex. It has been something that I have been interested in doing but for no specific reason we haven’t been down this road until now..
On Tuesday a friend of mine visited me and told me of a lady she had met at a yoga retreat in Byron Bay. This lady, Margot Anand, specialized in Tantra and my friend told me I had to go and see her. It just so happened that she was on tour in Sydney the next night. I asked my husband if he wanted to go and he said yes, so we attended a three-hour seminar with Margot Anand on Wednesday night.
During Wednesday afternoon, I met a friend and I hesitated in telling her where I was going that night. In the end I did tell her and was relieved to find she was quite open about it. I realised how unconsciously immature I have been in talking about sex. Sure in our teens and early twenties it is something we boast about. Then we get to late twenties and early thirties and become a bit blasé, rarely talking about it or constantly joking about it, especially if we are not getting as much as we would like post- kids.
So as mums, how can we set our mindset to have great sex?
1) Know that it is a normal part of a healthy relationship – if two people are in a happy, healthy relationship, exploring your sexual relationship is a wonderful way to deepen the connection and the bond. What a wonderful journey to be on together..!
2) Embrace the fear of judgement and fear of vulnerability – Not everyone comes at sex from the same angle, pardon the pun! We all have differing points of view, sometimes influenced by religious and/or cultural choices. That’s ok – everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Know what is right for you and don’t be afraid to move in that direction. If you don’t, the only person that you will be limiting is you.
3) Nurture your natural curiosity – have an innocence and curiosity when exploring the options. You may come across some things that work for you and some things that don’t. My husband and I found some parts of tantra resonated with us and some parts didn’t.
4) Talk openly with your partner – the ability to communicate with each other is so important. To be able to share what each likes or dislikes keeps the connection open. Feeling safe and secure in your relationship will be key components in being able to express yourself in this way.
5) Be flexible – I don’t mean literally – although that may add to the fun! I mean in your mind. There may be some things that your partner likes and you don’t. You may choose to do whatever it is to satisfy him. That’s ok as long it is a choice and you are congruent with your choice. And vice versa for him.
6) Enjoy the journey - Often we are our own worst critics. We think we have to get things right straightaway. Give yourself permission to be clumsy and clunky whilst you are learning and experimenting with sex. The more pressure you take off yourself, the more you will enjoy the process and the overall journey.
7) Most importantly have FUN!
What tips and experiences can you share around sex and being a mum? Have things fallen by the wayside that you would like to get back on track? Or perhaps you would like to explore a new aspect of your sexual selves together? Would love to hear from you below.