Now THIS is a must read! Check out the secret thoughts of a four year old so you can get an insight into what your child really thinks. HA!

The secret diary post was shared on Sam Avery – The Learner Parent and has attracted over 2200 reactions and hundreds of comments. Have a read and you will soon understand why.

It begins…

My new hobby is shouting ‘WATCH ME!’ and then doing something inexplicable shit. Today I stood with my legs slightly apart and waved my hands. And the big people PRAISED me! Dickheads.

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Started calling sliced kiwi fruits ‘hairy burgers’ in the shop. Mummy said I should call them something different. I asked her why she was laughing. She said she’d just remembered something funny from years ago. Strange woman.

Daddy reckons I need to be wiping my own shitter before I start school in September. Ha! Alright mate. Whatevs.

Was drinking from Daddy’s water bottle with my crisps. Left so many salt and vinegar floaties in the water his bottle looked like a cheap lava lamp. Daddy said I could have the rest. Result!

Caught Daddy sliding a piece of cheese into his mouth with his head in the fridge. I shouted ‘CHEESE! CHEESE!’ continuously to let him know he’d been spotted and that if he didn’t want this intel to go global then he needed to cut me a piece of the action.

My talking crocodile toy has gone missing. I loved that repetitive little bastard. It was so loud and green and annoying and it used to talk in the middle of the night like Barry White when it’s batteries were low, putting the shits up everyone.

I searched EVERYWHERE for it. (As in, directly in front of where I was currently stood and precisely behind where I was stood. Like I say, literally everywhere.)

Then Mummy casually told me it had broken so she’d been forced to bin it. Even though there’s no evidence, like when they killed Bin Laden. I tell you – I will not rest until I find that crocodile.

Went on a bouncy castle. Was living my best life until I fell awkwardly onto a bigger boy who was all elbows and arses. I was fine though so leapt straight up but Daddy had already pressed his own personal panic button and was leaping across the bouncy castle towards me like an overweight ninja wearing his fucking SHOES! Come on, pal – even I know you don’t do that!

So he picked me up and I was trying to tell him I was okay and just wanted to get back to my explosive and unpredictable brand of bouncing but he wasn’t listening and then he tried to step off the bouncy castle whilst still holding me but his decrepid old ankle gave way and both of us smashed to the floor like a multi-generational sack of shit. Nice one, cockbreath. I’ll remember this when I’m choosing your care home.

To be continued…

For more from Sam Avery check out their Facebook page. 

Share your comments below

  • ha ha, enjoyed this


  • Somehow I think this is meant to be a joke. Definitely not understandable to a 4 year old, not even a very bright one.


  • I don’t see the point of this


  • A few less obscenities would ave improved this – funny anyway.


  • I am sure they think many of these things.


  • Obviously not written by the 4 year old, but hilarious none-the-less!


  • Cute ! But who wrote this secret diary ? The boy must be to young to do it himself and when the parents did it, how secret is it?


  • This is so funny, and will be great for the family to look back on in times to come.


  • Absolutely hilarious read from start to finish


  • Haha! Sunday is my favourite. Will have to check out his Facebook page now.


  • Sounds a bit funny though a read to remember I hope kids dont really think like this …


  • I really adored working with little children, they are all so special. They make me laugh so much. My daughter finds delight in their thinking and behaviour as well.


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