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To my partner’s ex-wife, I am writing this letter to you, from my heart to yours with compassion, so I hope that in your awareness you open yourself up to what I am about to share with you.

I am reaching out to you as a Mother and someone who has lived and breathed separation, personally and professionally, but more importantly from an understanding of the pain you must still be suffering from to live a life filled with contempt for another human being.

I hope you will see this letter as one of genuine concern, as my intention is not to hurt you, but I am sure some of the things I share with you in this letter will definitely upset you.

If this letter does push your buttons, then there is truth to it and you will have to decide how you choose to respond.

I am not saying any of this to be unkind, I am saying it from a place of love in sharing this with you. I just hope that if you truly practice any level of awareness or have any level of consciousness you will open yourself up to the possibility of truth and grow from it.

For the last 7 years I have witnessed the relationship between you and your ex and how you have both attempted to co-parent the kids. I’ve never stepped in and have always been supportive of the situation, but at times this has been extremely difficult to do, especially when you bare witness to such hate and venom that pours out of the mouths of two people that once loved each other and shared nearly 18 years together creating an abundant life and giving birth to so much joy.

I find it hard to believe that after 7 years the both of you still feel such angst for each other, and that you have not made peace with the hurt of separation. Sometimes I honestly feel that you both are still very much married to each other and the behaviors you played out are still relevant for the both of you today, because you are too scared to let go.

You both are still connected through karma, because you still haven’t learnt what you need to from your separation in order to move on, otherwise you would have.

I’m not sure if you even realise, that every-time you argue, it has an overwhelming negative impact on everyone else around you and that energy affects, not only you, the kids and us and our immediate families.



You are very good at manipulating every situation to suit yourself and you contradict what you say and do all the time. I am confused has to how you can justify the way you behave and yet find fault with everything their father does.

You have said on many occasions that he should not ask the kids what they would like to do when it comes to spending time with him, yet you do this all the time.

You have taught your children to lie from the outset and you have succeeded in training them very well, you have taught your kids to disrespect others and not care how they treat people, because as long as they get what they want – it doesn’t matter who gets hurt.

You have taught the kids to be fearful of expressing from the heart, because they do not want to hurt you, but you have no trouble telling their father how much the kids don’t like spending time with him and don’t want to see him anymore. This saddens me, because the children you share together are amazing and I have being blessed to get to know them as their step-parent and I see their struggle to want to belong and connect, but they hold themselves back out of fear.

I cannot imagine the confusion they must feel at times, and all I can do is love them and accept that there are somethings I cannot change.

I find it ironic that for all the reasons you get frustrated with your ex – he feels exactly the same. If you could learn to listen to what the other is trying to say, rather than taking it as a personal attack, maybe communicating wouldn’t be so difficult and you would both realise that you, are wanting the same things. You are both wanting to be heard as their parent, but more importantly, validated. I really feel that you both are a lot a like, particularly when you argue and cannot agree. You are both wilful, strong headed and stubborn, and the need to control outcomes regarding the children is childish in itself.

It is not about either one of you being right, it is about finding a happy medium where all parties can get along, especially for the kids.

I would like to set the record straight with a couple of things that have hurt him deeply. These are un-truths, which you need to hear. Your ex has never, not wanted to pay you Child Support, but he has questioned the amount because in reality it is unfair and impossible to survive and sustain.

Let me ask you – What would you do and how would you feel if you were the one who had to pay such high amounts of money to him? Even when he knew that you couldn’t really afford it. It is so different when the shoe doesn’t fit and you are made to wear it. It is painful beyond comprehension and I’m sure you would be hurt as their Mother, that your only value in this life is what you are worth monetarily to your Ex.

You have the father of your kids who would do anything for them and wants to be in their life, but sadly you are the one who does everything to prevent this happening.

Maybe you feel that if you continue to make life hard, he will just forget about his kids and disappear. Obviously if he is not in their life at all, you would be entitled to more money. I’m sorry if this suggestion has hurt you, but from an outsider looking in and having had access to most of your conversations, some of the things you have said to him, have been cruel beyond belief, I still find it difficult to understand how it is okay to treat the father of your children like that.

I would totally understand the need to protect your kids, if he was violent, abusive, even an addict, but he is an amazing man who is dedicated to providing for his children and it is shameful that you are allowed to get away with emotional murder. I know that is harsh, but in reality it is true, you see he has died emotionally as a man, because you have robbed him of that and any integrity he had has been tested, so forgive me if I don’t agree with how you treat him.

I am not saying he is a saint in this situation, I have heard his responses to you, which at times have been far less than pleasant. But it is hard to hold it together and remain calm when you are been verbally attacked by another human being.

You make it hard to come from a place of love and hold a space of peace, when you clearly do not wish him any level of happiness or success, but that is irony in itself, because without his success you would not receive anything and the kids would go without.

He has NEVER quit a job and you out of anyone should know how hard he works. But he has been made redundant because the job finished and there was a time when his employer went into receivership, so his employment was also terminated. On one occasion, he had to leave his job due to the emotional and physical stress he was going through because the separation was so unkind. In fact at that time in our lives, it nearly killed him, there were several times he thought why am I here and what was the last 18 years of my life about. He was depressed and it destroyed any self worth he had has a father and a man.

I really need to ask you, is he that bad of a father? Was he such a terrible husband that he deserved to be treated this way?

Because I see a man who is kind, considerate and loving and a father who would do anything for his kids, but you seem to feel that he has no entitlement to have them, or make any important decisions regarding their welfare.

You are the one who makes the arrangements and plans, when he is allowed to see them. In-fact you always seem to make plans for the kids on his time with no regard to what he may have organised, and you know he won’t say no to you or the kids, because the consequence of him putting a boundary in place would mean that you derive joy out of telling the kids how uncaring their father is.

You clearly do not care about the impact this has on him, the kids or anyone in his life, but you would never understand, because you choose not to think about others.

You are not more worthy than he is, you are both equally responsible in this journey.

The children are lucky they have two homes and people that love them and share their lives with them, but particularly lucky they have step parents/role models, who treat them with kindness, respect and love that they deserve.

You are fortunate that I have openly accepted them into my life and been willing to share my heart with them. This you should be grateful for, as it could have been very different.

I hope one day the suffering will end and somehow you both can forgive and find peace with each other. In classic Tibetan teachings it is said that we do not really become a full human until we open our heart to embrace others, and until then we are selfish, concerned only with ourselves, and our need to survive above anyone else. But when we move away from the ego, we come into a place of awareness and we begin to care, this becomes a state of loving kindness and compassion.

The hardest part is to practice loving kindness and compassion in the face of these personal challenges we share. I thank you for challenging me to live with awareness and discrimination in this situation and I truly would like the pain and suffering to stop for both you and him, but mainly for the children.

I know for now it is what it needs to be to sustain both your ego’s, but surely it would be so much nicer to share the joy of your children, rather than using them to control an outcome simply to justify what you are really feeling inside, but more importantly too scared to see.

I can only hope forgiveness will find a home in both your hearts and gratitude will replace the pain and love will end the suffering you have experienced.

Can you relate to this? Please share in the comments below.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.com
  • As a child from a separated home (no contact at all with my father since I was 3) I wish that my mum had anything nice to say about my dad, I don’t know anything good about him at all which is really sad

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  • It takes guts to open up and communicate this

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  • Well done for writing that letter and speaking up
    I have not had this happen but hear it so many times

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  • This is my story too

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  • Almost a carbon copy of what we have been going through. I see a man now who doesn’t step up for himself, in fear of the repercussions, meaning seeing his children less. Our worst fears have come true, with my 13 year old stepdaughter refusing to visit. It’s been 5 months now. The vindictive ex -wife is a terrible creature, especially with no basis to be mean. It’s been 6 years for us but it’s been a struggle the whole way. I know he’s one of the good guys. As a footnote I’d like to say the court system is not worth the paper it’s written on. So sad.

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  • I fortunately haven’t been in this situation but I know from friends how hard it can be. Heartbreaking.

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  • Very heart felt

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  • Separation is heart breaking. This would have been very hard for the mother to read. I think it probably would make her even more angry.

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  • Honestly, I doubt she would have read it all. Way too long despite some good points being in there

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  • Separation and it’s effect on everyone is very difficult. Often separations occur because of differences so often this continues with how they parent the children.

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  • I worked within the family law profession for quite a few years – this letter reminded me of how sad the situation can be when parties don’t take a child-centered approach to co-parenting. I get it though, it is so hard in the emotional tumult. However, the children come from both parents – if one parent badmouths the other to the child it is like they are attacking that part of the child which is like their parent. It causes no end of emotional turmoil and anxiety for the child. All three of these parents might benefit from doing some work to educate themselves about the emotional and psychological development of their children.

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  • i imagine it can be very complex and hard on all

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  • That is a super long letter! I’ve never gone through a separation, but a few friends have. They have really struggled and, honestly, said and done things i could never picture prior to separation

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  • I could never imagine being in a situation like this. Very lucky I am in a happy safe loving relationship. Thinking of those struggling.

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  • I’m am so glad I am in a positive relationship.

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