A woman who had a healthy baby after two miscarriages admits she “hates every minute” of being a mum.
In a tear-jerking admission, the unnamed mum says she doesn’t feel like she loves her 13-week-old baby, despite wanting children her whole life.
Fearing social services will get involved and take her son from her if she tells the truth about her struggle, the woman, in her 30s, turned to online parenting forum Mumsnet for advice, shares The Mirror.
The woman admitted said since giving birth, she’s “hated every minute” and “doesn’t know what to do”.
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“I never felt a rush of love for him and I still don’t,” she explained.
“I have to drag myself out of bed and I barely leave the house because I just can’t be bothered.
“I cry a lot of the day. When I’m not crying I feel numb.
“I broke down in front of my [health visitor] about a month ago and she referred me to a crisis mental health team who diagnosed PND [post-natal depression] and prescribed medication.
“It helped for a bit but now I’m back where I was.
“They come out twice a week and I feel I have to say I’m making progress and can’t really be totally honest as Social Services are involved and I’m worried they’ll take away my son.”
“I won’t and wouldn’t ever harm him but I do sometimes fantasise about him dying so my life can go back to normal,” she added.
“I know that makes me a f****** monster.
“I just can’t imagine ever not feeling this way.
“I know I’m a terrible person. The worst.
“I want to love him so desperately – I feel like if I did all the work and frustration would be worth it. But I just don’t and can’t.
“I wish I’d never, ever had a baby.
“I feel like the miscarriages were God’s way of telling me I shouldn’t and I just ignored him and this is my punishment. I would give anything to go back in time and not have him.”
Flood of support
The post has been commented on by plenty of supportive parents, who have reacted in the most beautiful way.
Offering support, one user said: “Nobody would give you a kicking, it’s the last thing you need or deserve. I feel so sorry for you.
“What’s talking to you right now, the thing that’s in control, is your PND.
“You are not a terrible person.
“You are a normal person with an illness that is altering your perception and your feelings.
“You are not to blame. “You didn’t cause this by anything you did wrong.”
Another said: “You sound desperately unhappy. You’re not a monster. You don’t deserve a kicking. You need a big hug.”
While a third added: “You’re being very hard on yourself. Some of those thoughts aren’t normal, but you know that.
“You don’t deserve a kick in. You need a hug and you need to be completely honest with the professionals involved in your care.
“Nothing will improve if they don’t know how you really feel.”
Another said: “Oh my. This was me. 100% I felt like you for four months after my first was born and probably the same for the second.”
Signs can include panic attacks, persistent, generalised worry, development of obsessive or compulsive behaviours, abrupt mood swings, feeling constantly tired, withdrawing from friends, difficulty focusing, feeling constantly sad or crying for no reason and having thoughts of death or suicide.
If you need support please contact PANDA National Helpline Mon to Fri, 10am – 5pm AEDT on 1300 726 306 OR Lifeline 13 11 14.