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Finding out if you’re having a boy or a girl is usually a pretty exciting pregnancy milestone. But for some mums, gender disappointment adds a layer of guilt to an otherwise beautiful time.

One mum has revealed that after finding out she was having a boy, instead of another daughter, she’s been spiralling. She desperately wanted her daughter to have a sister close in age, and says she hates herself for ‘being so ungrateful’.

“I have the most wonderful two-year-old girl and she makes me so happy,” the expecting mum explained on Mumsnet. “My husband and I were desperate for another baby and when I got pregnant we were over the moon. I honestly thought I didn’t mind whether we had a boy or girl, and this week at the scan we found out it was a boy.”

Initially, she says she was thrilled to be getting a ‘pigeon pair’. But eventually that feeling began to wear off.

“At first I was overjoyed at how lucky we are to have one of each and that the baby is healthy (which of course is what matters), but as we drove home I started on a downward spiral … it suddenly dawned on me that the incredible experience I had with our girl might never happen again.

“Our girl won’t have a sister close in age to have loads in common with, they can’t share a room for very long (which would have helped hugely with bedrooms), and the beautiful names I had chosen for a girl weren’t to be (I just don’t love any boy names as much, and I let my husband choose the names for our two-year-old girl). I know having a boy is incredible too, I guess I just haven’t lived that yet and I’m sad I won’t have the girl experience again.

‘I hate myself’

pregnant diet

The mum-of-one admits that she has always wanted two girls, and despite struggling to get pregnant, she can’t help her feelings.

“I feel so guilty feeling like this when I know I’m so lucky. We had to go through fertility treatment for both of my pregnancies so I hate myself for being so ungrateful, especially as we already have a girl and there is an innocent baby boy I should be excited to meet. Please don’t judge me – I didn’t even know I felt this way until after the scan and I can’t fight how I’m feeling.

“I always wanted to have a boy but maybe deep down I wanted two girls first (I know it’s silly as you can pick these things). I’m also processing that we might never have another girl and that’s hard. I worry that I won’t be a good mum to a boy too. Being a woman – I know girls but I don’t know boys. I felt such a connection when I found out I was having a girl last time, but I’m struggling to get that this time now I know it’s a boy.

“Please help me to get out of this mindset and be excited about having a boy. Will our daughter still play with him and can they share toys? Sorry I know it’s a sensitive topic – I’m just not thinking straight at the moment. I will love this boy so much – I just want to get through how I’m feeling now.”

What advice would you give this mum? Share your responses in the comments below.

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  • I was very upset when I find out that we will have a boy…it took me some time to accept that but now I have a the best son I could ever asked for.

    Reply

  • You only have a 50/50 chance so you have to accept what you get. It’s a life long decision.

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  • I can understand that, when you get a thought and a dream in your mind and then to realise that experience isn’t going to happen it would be a hard adjustment. There’s no real words to say to her that could help, I’d say once the baby boy is born and put into her arms she might think differently then.

    Reply

  • They will probably end up having a great relationship. Of course they will play together. What is it about your time with your daughter that makes it so special for you? You will possibly find that it doesn’t have much to do with her gender at all. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

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  • Anyone that goes in to a pregnancy desperately wanting one sex is setting themselves up for a chance of disappointment

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  • I first had a girl then a boy. They’re 12months and 3 weeks apart. They were the best buddies ever and played for years together; many precious memories. We’re just back from traveling oversees and at age 16 and 17 yr they shared a room together (they just changed in the bathroom or used a occupied sign on the bedroom door). Although I appreciate this mum being honest about her feelings, I would like to say; don’t worry too much, your boy will be a blessing !

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  • If you can’t be happy with the possibility that you may have either gender, don’t get pregnant. I have a boy and a girl and they both play together just as well. There is no need to be upset, chances are your daughter will be just as excited for a brother.

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  • Be kind to yourself But remember as long as it is Healthy when born that is all we need, and any childless couple would be over the moon take care

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  • It is not unreasonable to feel this way – yes, it’s irrational, but a lot of feelings are, right? I think she’ll find it much easier in a month or two after the first feelings subside. Yes, they will play together and share toys. And she’ll love him so much when he’s born.


    • Yes I agree, there is no right or wrong in having certain feelings and she admits she feels guilty and hates herself for it. Feelings can be very irrational indeed. When really struggles it might be good to seek help to talk about her feelings and give them a place.

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  • Oh no! I would recommend this lovely mum calls on her mum friends for help. Sometimes other people help you get some perspective. A healthy baby is the best you can hope for. COVID, everyday stressors and anxiety would not be helping her worry. I know once the baby arrives she will see him and she will love him!

    Reply

  • I have a boy and girl close in age and while they fight like cats and dogs at times ( as most siblings do) they are also the best of friends and are pretty much always together. A lot of the time people who don’t know any better think they’re twins.
    Girls are amazing, and I love all mine to bits ( I have 3) but there’s something really special about a mother/son relationship as well. Little boys will always love their mummas. Honestly I know its difficult now and pregnancy hormones are making things so much worse but I guarantee you will look back once he’s born and know that things worked out perfectly and this is the best thing that could happen.

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  • It’s completely OK to feel this way. Though I think talking to someone would help, however it’s harder to bond with a baby during pregnancy for a lot of women and they find they can bond once baby is born – this may be the case.
    No mum should be too hard on herself for these feelings, there is disappointment all through life when it doesn’t meet expectations, but that doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for the wonderful gift of a baby and it just may take some time coming to terms with it.

    Reply

  • I think you love your baby no matter what. When you meet him, you may feel very differently. Two girls may not necessarily live the fantasy of being close and friendly as you hope. A brother and sister may do that. I’d speak to someone though to make sure these feelings don’t get worse. I’m all for not knowing the gender so there’s no expectations created.

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  • Please seek help because it’s not you thinking that and some sessions with a trained professional can help come to terms with this and prevent any worse feelings in the future. Don’t try to deal with it alone

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  • I’d get onto some help because post natal depression can start this early, especially with gender disappointment. Good luck lovely

    Reply

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