Bunnings! You either love it or you want to hammer it to smithereens. But for many of us, those weekend trips to the hardware store followed by the Bunnings signature sausage sanga, has been part of our world for as long as we can remember. (Did you know Bunnings first opened in 1886!!!).
One mum has shared her love-hate relationship with the DIY giant and we couldn’t stop nodding (and giggling).
Far Kew describes herself as “an Aussie mum of two who finds everyday things really f*cking irritating. Like the popularity of kale, unexpected items in the bagging area and humble braggers. I’m kind of a big deal, not very humble and write a weekly rant that will bring tears to your eyes. Nobody is safe from my wrath.”
“Bunnings. It seems like a good idea, but any longer than 40 minutes in this hell-hole can be damaging for relationships. Even a snag on some shitty bread with onions (on the bottom) isn’t enough to take the edge off this Marriage Destroyer™️ disguised as a DIY paradise.”
It All Starts Off Well
Far Kew continues:
“The kids start out cool with their miniature trolleys and the promise of a playground. But soon enough, while you are arguing over which length of hose you need, cart or no cart, wall-mounted or not, kink rating (settle down) and multitude of attachments, they start to crack the shits. But you’ve committed to this and they have to shut the hell up while you do this dance of decisions on a piece of fucking pipe. That’s the first hurdle.”
Oh yes, we can so relate!
I’m Going To Scream!
“The next one comes when you don’t know if the goods you’re after are in aisle 44 or aisle 2. That’s a lot of ground to cover, even if Stuart the helper was able to guide you through this labyrinth of pain. Because if you’ve gone in to do this shit right, you’ll have selected the big flat trolleys that only have wheels that move at the back. So between aisle 44 and aisle 2 you are kneecapping strangers with this unwieldy beast and screeching at the kids to get out of your way. Sure, someone will suggest you pull it backwards, but then there’s the part where you NEED TO F*CKING SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING. Thanks for that advice, random stranger.”
Ok, now we just can’t stop laughing! But wait…there’s more!
“The manure aisle can be testing. The kids want to climb the bags of shit and your eyes water as you try to figure out which sort of shit to buy. You will probably spend another 30 minutes deciding on which kind of ass waste will suit your garden better. You can pretty much resign yourself to the fact you’ll have breathed in enough of this crap now and will die of Legionnaires’ disease.”
“Try picking plants as a couple at your peril. Native or ornamental? Edible or flowers? Succulent or delicate? More kneecapping and twitchy kids who look dangerously close to smashing a pile of terracotta pots. That sausage seems like it happened decades ago.”
“Ooh look! Cheap portable airconditioners and $18 saw horses. Surely we need some of these? Fuck! Fire pits are pretty cool aren’t they? Think of the serenity. Wow, those buckets are a bargain.”
Nightmare At The Checkout
“You load up not thinking about how Crystal at the checkout is going to check you out. The barcodes are hidden under 400 kilos of potting mix and shit. Your bird netting is smashed between the cheap $30 door for your saw horses and the piping for the strawberry patch. The kids are now thumping each other and reminding you why you always say that a trip to Bunnings is like sticking a knife in your eye on the weekend. The Husband is staring at you like he wants to leave you for Crystal at the checkout.”
“Then you’ve got to pack the car. Get the kids inside before they get run over. Get that stupid flat bed trolley back to the bay and navigate your way through a bunch of fuck knuckles who can’t fucking drive.
Then you get home and there’s been a cool change, the sun is gone and you can’t be fucked doing any gardening.”
“Bunnings. Who’d bother? Fuck You.
OMG Far Kew, we absolutely f*cking LOVE this. You have just hit the Bunnings nail on the head! Exactly what we were thinking!
This facebook post has already received over 3600 comments, with fans relating their Bunnings stories – both good and bad. Such a good read!
Do you love or hate Bunnings? Can you relate to this rant? Tell us in the comments below.
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